Eps 606: Middle School Series Part Two – Essential Conversations

Joyful courage is staying connection and solution focuses. Deep listening, being willing to accept another personals valid, separate reality, and moving in the direction of love.

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Eps 605: Middle School Series Part One – Growth, Change and Belonging

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[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:25] Hi friends. Welcome back to the Joyful Courage Podcast in part two of our middle school miniseries. So last week, last Thursday, we explored the middle school landscape, right? All the growth, the change, the belonging needs that shape. These years. Today we're gonna dig into the conversations that you cannot afford to avoid, and we're gonna head into some areas that I know can feel big and awkward.
[00:02:01] Each one is perhaps an episode unto itself, but we're just gonna drop in a little bit on a few of these things. And listen, I've been here with my own kids. Right. I know how it feels to know that there's a big conversation that you wanna have and you're not really sure where to start or how to begin.
[00:02:26] But here's the truth, if we don't lead these conversations. Someone else will. If we're not having these conversations with our kiddos, someone else will, and you know who it is. It'll be TikTok or YouTube or their friends who are as uneducated in these tough topics as they are. We can't always count on those voices to line up with our values, so let's talk about how we stay ahead.
[00:02:56] Right. Why does staying ahead on tough topics matter? Well, this is a period of time, this early adolescence, where our kids are developmentally wired to turn towards their peers. Okay? That's healthy. You can depend on that, that's gonna happen. But their peers, as I've already mentioned, are as uninformed as they are on these things.
[00:03:24] So. They might be talking about big topics, but they're not becoming better informed about the big topics. And if parents avoid having conversations about the tricky stuff, their kids are gonna fill the gaps with whatever information is available. And again, might not be the Inver INTA information that we.
[00:03:48] It might not even be correct information. So staying ahead of these tough topics and tough conversations isn't about having one gigantic awkward talk. It's about staying engaged, bite-size, ongoing conversations that also send the message of, I've got you. I'm here. I can handle this. I'm available. You can talk to me about the hard stuff.
[00:04:16] So I remember, well, first of all, vaping, right? Like when my kids were just coming up through elementary school. And starting middle school, that's when vaping really landed in the adolescent hands. I mean, we've, we've known for a long time, you know, smoking lots of smokers start when they're teenagers and nicotine's an issue, but vaping is a whole nother situation.
[00:04:41] And I would encourage you, there's this really good documentary that I watched on Netflix a while back called Big Vape, and it tells the story of the brand Juul, which is a brand of vape. Why it, the company was started, what the initial mission of the company was and how it just spread like wildfire into the hands of young kids.
[00:05:06] Right. And I, I remember being at the mall with my son and there was this little stand and they sold like. Dragon ice or something. It was some kind of treat like ice. It wasn't ice cream, but it was some kind of treat where when you ate it, you could blow kind of steam out of your mouth and it was like this big puff.
[00:05:29] I remember Ian. Was fascinated by that. He was like, oh man, that's so cool. And anytime he saw somebody vaping and that big puff of smoke would come out or vape or whatever you call it would come out of their mouth. Ian thought that was so cool right from very early on, and I knew without a doubt that I needed to have lots of conversations with him about what vaping was.
[00:05:58] Nicotine. And I needed to set the stage to really make sure that my kids knew that I was available to them. Now, I did all those things and guess what? We still had to navigate some nicotine vaping, especially with my older one, my daughter. And I remember the day that she said, Hey, when are you gonna be home?
[00:06:16] I have to tell you something. I came home, she said, so I tried vaping, right? And we talked about it and it was, you know, I remember the another day where I got a call from the principal who said, Hey. We are getting an anonymous tip that your daughter's been vaping in the bathroom of the high school. And I remember my response to him was, oh my gosh, I'm so glad.
[00:06:37] Did you talk to her? I said, oh, did you pull her in? Did you talk to her? Because we talk about it all the time at home, and it would be great if all the adults in her life were having conversations with her. I remember how stunned the principal was at my response when he reached out to me, because I don't think.
[00:06:55] That was how parents were responding with this information. We knew that vaping was something in my, in our kids' orbit. We knew they were seeing it. We knew they were experimenting with it, and we knew, I knew that it really was these ongoing conversations and which finally led to me saying, wow, you know what?
[00:07:16] I've kind of, and I've shared about this on the podcast before, but I remember the. The final time where I really like caught her vaping. I was so upset. I'm a, you know, I'm a recovering smoker myself, and so the last thing I want my kids to do is to create a situation where they too are a slave to nicotine.
[00:07:40] And I remember going into her room and being like, Ugh. After calming myself down saying, wow, you know, I. Have really held that it's somehow my responsibility to make sure that you don't have a lifelong relationship with nicotine, but actually you're the one that's responsible for that. I don't want that for you, but you're the one that really gets to decide if this is something that you wanna be battling for all the years to come.
[00:08:08] And I'll tell you what, there isn't anyone who's addicted to nicotine today who doesn't wish that they never started and. You know, I'm gonna interrupt and intervene and interfere when I see that it's coming up. But ultimately I'm handing over the energetic responsibility to you because you're really the only one that gets to decide whether or not this is a thing for you.
[00:08:31] Right. And man, it was just, ugh, it was so annoying for me 'cause I didn't want her to do it. And recognizing then like, wow, this is not something that I have control over. If parents had control over whether or not their kids were addicted to nicotine, we wouldn't have smokers. Like it wouldn't be a thing.
[00:08:52] So keep that in mind as we move through the next section where I'm gonna talk about all these topics that I think are so important to be talking about during middle school. Keep in mind. What you really are doing here is creating an energetic environment where your kids can come to you for information.
[00:09:11] They can come to you for help. They want to come to you because they know they're not gonna be judged. They know that they're gonna be held and supported. Right? They're not gonna feel worse because they've come to you with something. Right? And they're all just topics that. If you haven't begun talking about them in middle school, you're gonna get behind.
[00:09:33] Right? It's not too soon. If they're in middle school, they're already hearing about these things, and some of it is coming up academically, right? If they have, they're at a school, you know, probably my guess is their health class. There's all sorts of things that schools are doing to deliver information about things like substances and sex and development and screens and all these things.
[00:09:55] Listen, we have to be a team of adults having these conversations with our kiddos and by conversations I mean engagement and collaboration and curiosity. I do not mean lecture 'cause there is no lecture that's gonna land and then you can, you know, like brush off your hands and feel like great. Now they know, and now they won't engage in these scary, tricky things.
[00:10:21] Okay, so let's get into it.
[00:10:27] The first topic that you can't skip, which is so. Just on the forefront of these middle school years. I mentioned it last time. Last episode, is bodies in puberty. Right? Bodies in puberty. Most kids, if they were in the public school system, most kids in fourth and fifth grade, they do get like a. Puberty type class or course during their health class where the school nurse comes in, separates the boys and the girls talks about, you know, a few things, right?
[00:10:59] So it's, it shouldn't be super new, but we get into middle school, early adolescence, the, and the changes we've been talking about happen. Are starting to happen. And if they're not happening with your kiddo, your kiddo is observing the other kids around them, moving through changes in their body and puberty.
[00:11:21] And our job is to normalize this right, and to do our best to take away any shame. And so as I move through the next list of topics that I believe you really can't skip. I'm gonna talk about one, how you can frame the topic in your own mind before you move into conversation, and I'm also going to talk about how to create some teen friendly language and what you can say to them to start the conversation.
[00:11:53] Okay? So bodies and puberty. Bodies and puberty. So important things to remember for you, right? It's important to remember. And I know you know this, everyone's timeline is different, right? Everybody's timeline is different. We grow and develop at different rates. You're gonna be reminding them that early and late development is normal, and most kids live inside of kind of that middle range, right?
[00:12:21] The other thing you wanna keep in mind is change is growth. It's not something to hide, right? You get to normalize physical and emotional shifts when you notice different things. Changing, evolving with your kiddos. Don't ignore it. Call it out. Whoa. I noticed this evening that you got really upset about, you know, when it was time to turn off the TV and head up to bed.
[00:12:48] Like your response to that was pretty intense, and that was kind of the first time that you've had a really intense response to that. I wonder if that's an indicator kind of, that you're moving into. This new period of teen brain development and puberty, you're gonna feel things really big, right? And your job teenager is to just, is to notice and to be with those emotions, right?
[00:13:12] And also, you wanna make sure that you're sending the message parents that there isn't shame in talking about it, whether it's your daughter's period or your son's what dream or. Whatever, whatever's going on. Body hair, voice changing, changing bodies like just create safety. What you're really doing here is creating safety for questions and conversations.
[00:13:38] You don't want anyone to feel called out or teased or dismissed or belittled. Do you really just wanna go in with, again, that word normalizing, that this is this time of life and acceptance, openness. Safety for these conversations. And then when you talk to your kids, right, some of the things that you can say, you can say, Hey, listen, bodies grow at their own pace.
[00:14:04] And there's gonna be some kids who wish that their body changing would slow down. And there's gonna be some kids that wish that puberty and their body changing would speed up. And all of it is normal. Your body knows what it's doing, and you really get to just trust your development and trust your body and know that I'm here for you no matter how you wanna vent about it.
[00:14:29] I will hold space for it. Right. Another bit of language you can use. The changes in your body just means you're healthy and that you're growing and you're transitioning from childhood into adulthood. Things like voice cracking, I've already mentioned some of these things. Voice cracking, body hair, mood swings, skin changes.
[00:14:48] They can feel awkward, but it's, they're just signs that the body is working the way that it should. And then finally, I think this one's really important. They don't have to feel embarrassed about it, right? Everybody's going through this and it makes sense. If you do feel embarrassed, if you do feel insecure, it's okay to feel those ways.
[00:15:13] And again, it makes sense, but don't let it pull you under. Don't let that get in the way of you living your life asking questions or talking about what you notice about your body changing. It's not weird. It's gonna make things easier. And again, I'm here for you. Right? So parents, you get to do your own little like, reframe, what do I wanna create here?
[00:15:36] What do I wanna land here? What's the most important piece here? And then you really get to go into these conversations with your kiddos, acknowledging their experience, and also normalizing their experience.
[00:15:58] So the other thing we want to make sure to talk about with our kiddos as they move into middle school is friendship and belonging. I talked a little bit about this last episode, but friendship and belonging is so important and if you haven't already seen some of the friend drama show up, you know, then it, you're gonna see it.
[00:16:19] It's probably going to be happening, and it's really important. That we talk about healthy versus unhealthy dynamics and you can't assume that your kid gets it right. You can't assume that they get it. And remember, they might be in an unhealthy dynamic with a friend group, but the draw to stay with that group is so strong.
[00:16:43] So you've gotta really meet that and not, again, not dismiss it, not poo pooh it not. Expect that your kiddo's gonna be like, you are right. I can't be my authentic self, so I'm gonna walk away from this friend group. You've really gotta help them be skilled enough, one, to grow in their self-awareness around what's happening, how it's making them feel, and two, build their skills for how to be in relationship with this friend group, whether it's.
[00:17:11] A friend group breakup or a friend group evolution, they need skills to be able to navigate that relational experience, right? So keep in mind, I want you to keep in mind that friendships are about respect and care. Really what we want is we wanna help our kids notice what feels good versus what feels draining.
[00:17:34] Keep in mind belonging doesn't mean fitting in it at any cost, right? We wanna encourage authenticity. Over changing themselves to be accepted, and we really wanna land that unhealthy dynamics can be a red flag, right? We wanna teach them to recognize patterns like manipulation, exclusion, constant criticism.
[00:17:54] I mean, this is the beginning of the rest of their life, right? With friendship, with romantic partnerships, we want to help them fine tune their ability to see those red flags before they're so drawn in. That it becomes really hard to get out. So here's some teen friendly language that you can use. You can say, you know, good friends, they lift you up, right?
[00:18:21] Healthy friendships should feel supportive and kind and fun and not like you're always being put down or left out. We wanna let our kids know, like belonging is about being your, being able to be yourself, right? Real friends don't make you change who you are to be included. They love you as you are. You should not have to shrink or pretend to fit in.
[00:18:45] And then finally, some language around those red flags, right? Pay attention to red flags. If someone is controlling, gossiping, or making you feel small, that is not a healthy friendship. And it's okay to step back, right? And, and if you're having this conversation, this red flag conversation and saying it's okay to step back, there may need to be some follow up conversation about what it looks like to step back, what it sounds like to step back, what are some back pocket responses that your kiddo can use, because it's not always as easy as just, you know, walk away from those kids that aren't nice.
[00:19:26] Sometimes they need a little bit more support around what it looks like and sounds like maybe even some role playing or just some, you know, trial and error. But again, you wanna make sure that you continue to be this trusted source. You can continue to be this person that your kiddo can come to and say, you know, I'm not ready to let go of this friendship, but.
[00:19:52] I don't feel great with this friend, and I need your help with figuring out how to talk to them about it. Right? They're not gonna come to you and do that if they know that you can't stand this friend. And if you're just gonna respond with why do you wanna be friends with them? You know? You get to really stay open and curious, and we're gonna talk more about that in a little bit.
[00:20:14] The third topic that you cannot afford to ignore. Is about substances, vaping, alcohol, drugs. Do not assume that your middle schooler is too young to have these conversations. Their curiosity starts really early. Just like I told that story about Ian, my young elementary school, Ian, thinking it was so cool.
[00:20:39] Like truly it's gross thinking. Those big puffs of smoke or steam or whatever it was, vapor was so cool. I knew that I had to be having these conversations. Really early, right? Because they're curious. They're paying attention, they're looking around. It's important for you to keep in mind as you have these conversations that you wanna help them recognize that substances.
[00:21:05] Change how their brain and body work, right? Help them understand the real impacts and not just go into this substance conversation around you. Better not do it because I said so. They need more information than that. That's not gonna be enough. And keep in mind that having these open conversations is actually gonna build trust.
[00:21:25] It's an opportunity for you to listen without judgment, and then they're gonna be more likely to come to you when they're faced with these kinds of choices. So some teen friendly language to open the conversation. You can start with, Hey, listen, you're not too young to hear this. Right, and we need to talk about this because even in middle school, people are already seeing or being offered things like nicotine or alcohol, and I wanna talk about it with you now so that you can be ready when and if these things come your way.
[00:22:00] You get to say, you know, these substances, they absolutely mess with your body and your brain. They might look harmless and fun in the moment, but they affect your health, your mood. And your decision making. And then finally, you wanna make sure to say to them, I want you to come to me. I want you to feel like you can come to me.
[00:22:21] You don't have to deal with this pressure or this, even this curiosity alone. And if you ever feel unsure, you can talk to me. I won't judge you. I won't lecture you. I'll be curious. I'll ask questions. I want to know. What you're thinking about all this stuff, and I wanna help you stay as healthy as possible.
[00:22:42] Right, and I've shared this in past podcasts, but you know, with weed, I had a, I remember having a conversation with Ian, and Ian was always curious and I made it very clear with him. He was probably in middle school when I had this conversation. You know, like I don't want you to experiment with marijuana, I don't think.
[00:23:05] I know that it's not good for your brain. Like there's research and you might be in a situation where you're curious enough to try it. And here's what I want you to think about. I want you to think about who are you with? Are they people that you know have your back or are they people that are gonna pull out their phones and their cameras and film you?
[00:23:26] If things get weird, like. Do you know where they got their joint or whatever, right. You gotta think about that 'cause there's scary stuff out there that can make you really sick or even kill you. And I always tell my kids, you can throw me under the bus. Right. I want you to have something in your back pocket where you can say, oh, yeah, man, I, I, I do wanna try that, but I gotta hang out with my mom this afternoon.
[00:23:51] So I don't think today's the day. So that's the other piece too. Parents, and I've talked about this before, you wanna help your kids get out of sticky situations while still saving face? Right. So there is also those harm reduction conversations that I think are really important. My niece just went away to college and she has had no experiences with substances, and I talked to her about, Hey, you know, one thing you can do if you're ever find yourself at a party and everybody's drinking and you don't wanna be drinking.
[00:24:21] Grab yourself one of those red solo cups. Fill it with ice and water, maybe put a wedge of lime in. It looks just like a cocktail. Call it good. Sip on that all night. Or get one beer and sip on that all night. Like, do you know the difference between how beer affects your body versus how hard liquor affects your body?
[00:24:40] You know, we want our kids to be informed so that they can make decisions from that information. Right. And if we're not talking to them about all this stuff, they're not informed and they can get into some really big trouble and we don't want that. So we gotta talk about this stuff. Right? The next topic that's super important to begin talking to our middle schoolers with.
[00:25:07] Is about sex and consent, right? It starts with respect for self and others, and we're gonna add layers over time. So it's not just about sex that we're, you know, that this, these conversations are about, but it is about everyday boundaries, setting boundaries, consent, being clear, enthusiastic, ongoing. It's about teaching them more than just say yes or just say no.
[00:25:32] Right. It's about all the signals spoken and unspoken that were given, spoken and unspoken that we're reading. I have to tell you, I have to fess up to something. So I definitely feel that. Well, and I think a lot of us do this, right? The ge based on the gender of our kiddos, we have more worries and fears one way or the other.
[00:25:56] Right? I talked about consent so much with Ian about. Understanding and reading consent so much with Ian, my son, that one day he was like, Hey mom, I'm not gonna rape anybody. And I realized like, okay, I'm, I'm coming on really strong one, but also good job. Me. And I got to say to him, oh babe, I know, and I'm sorry that I'm sending you this like, intense message.
[00:26:20] It's just that it can be so blurry. And when you add alcohol to the mix, like. It's just really important to me that you don't find yourself in a situation where, you know, somebody's accusing you of something that you didn't realize, you didn't have consent to do, or I don't know. You know, I mean, I can even, even as I talk about it right now, I can feel how uncomfortable I was in that moment.
[00:26:44] And then I had this daughter, and for her it wasn't, I wasn't worried about her misreading consent. I was worried about her not being really clear. In her boundary setting. Right. And I don't know, I don't think it was fair for me to hold Ian as a potential predator and Rowan as a potential victim. That's kind of what I did.
[00:27:05] You know, and that's the world that we live in. When you think about violence against women, right? There's not really a lot of violence against men from women. I know that it happens. I know that it's important to talk to our boys about staying in control. Having boundaries and and consent absolutely from that angle and our girls from the other angle, but majority of the time it's boys hurting girls.
[00:27:31] So anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. And keep in mind as you talk to your middle schoolers, these conversations are gonna grow with them. You're gonna keep layering in age appropriate details as they mature. Okay, so some teen friendly language, what you can say to them. You can start with, Hey, listen, respect is the starting point.
[00:27:52] Taking care of yourself, treating others with kindness and respect. It's a foundation for all relationships, and consent means real agreement. It's about both people wanting this same thing clearly without any pressure, and it can change at any time. Making out feels good. You might think it's kind of fun to let them, you know, fool around with you.
[00:28:18] You might like it until you don't like it, in which case you can say, okay, done. Stop. Right? And that's okay. And I think both our boys and our girls need to hear that over and over and over again. Right. Things can change at any time. And again, you also get to say to your teens, I'm gonna keep adding to this conversation.
[00:28:39] We're gonna keep having this conversation as you get older. We'll keep talking about healthy relationships and boundaries and sex. This isn't a one-time talk. But just like with our kids and their friendships, I think something that is really important to be curious about as parents with our kiddos is asking things like, what do you like about this person?
[00:28:58] What's exciting about them? How do you feel when you're around them? Right? And, and really less about what their answers are to those questions, and more about planting the seeds of those questions in their brain. So that they can really be in those questions. How, what do I like about this person? I mean, they're cute.
[00:29:16] They're funny. I like that they like me, right? How do I feel around them? I feel kind of insecure, I guess. I don't really feel like myself, or I feel great about myself. You know? We want them to be in that ongoing evaluation throughout their life in these different relationships, right? So, yeah, sex and consent is a conversation to begin in.
[00:29:39] Middle school also, and this hopefully has already started, but tech and social media and boundaries there, and critical thinking there and their digital footprint. My guess is because, you know, smartphones and social media have been around for so long now. Probably this isn't a new conversation for your kiddos, but if you haven't started talking to them about this, you need to please do it.
[00:30:10] You, they need to have limits and this is a whole nother podcast. Actually, I have a really exciting interview with Jean Twinge on the 10 Rules for Raising Kids in High Tech World and it's coming up. I'm really excited to interview her. I know that tech and social media is huge and honestly, I would say don't let your middle schoolers on social media.
[00:30:34] They don't need to be on social media. Just throwing that out there right now and boundaries create balance, right? Tech is a tool. It's not a replacement for real life connection. Critical thinking matters. This is a whole nother context for them to keep developing that critical thinking. And having them question, we all need to do this, right?
[00:30:54] What they see, how it influences them, is it real? And then finally that digital footprint, and they don't really get this, many of us don't really get this, but our choices online can follow them throughout their life positively or negatively. And we really wanna make sure that we're having these conversations with them.
[00:31:15] Again, over and over and over again because tech isn't going anywhere. Right? So some teen friendly language. Yes, tech is so awesome, but it needs limits, right? So we are gonna have limits. We do have limits on phones and games. And social media, it's more important to make space for sleep and movement and face-to-face time as well, right?
[00:31:38] If you're wondering if it's normal for your kids to look at their screen time on their phone and see that they've been on their phone for eight hours, it's not okay, it's not healthy. It might feel like, oh my gosh, my friend's kids also do this. Or they may say, oh my gosh, well my friends, you know, when they look at their screen time, it's 12 hours.
[00:31:57] No, it's not okay. It is a tragedy what's happening to this generation of kids, you know? And I'm on college campuses, I'm getting my kids settled in college and I'm seeing it. I mean, you're seeing it. It's, I'm not, I know you're seeing it out in the world and it's not something we need to just throw our hands up and say, oh, well we've gotta reign this monster in.
[00:32:21] Right? So limits matter and it's gonna be hard, and they're gonna push back. And you gotta do it anyway. Okay. And stay tuned for that interview with Dr. T Twinge about this. We wanna make sure we say to our teens, don't believe everything you see online. Right. Whether that's, you know, celebrities or influencers, people only show the best parts of their lives online.
[00:32:46] And some content is designed to influence you one way or the other. So you gotta pause and think before you take it in. You gotta remember that there's stuff happening on the other side of the camera, right? Whether it's messiness or you know, whatever. And, and you parents too, like we, I think. Especially those of us who've been through the gauntlet with our teens, or you're having a hard time, you know, during the teen years, and then you get on your social media and you see all your friends and they're seemingly perfect teenagers, you don't know what's going on in that family.
[00:33:20] You don't know what they're navigating. So we all get to keep that in mind, right? And we get to say to our kids, what you post sticks around every photo, every comment or DM adds to your digital footprint. So make sure what you share reflects who you want to be known as. People are screenshot and left and right.
[00:33:39] So even if it's Snapchat or something like that, again, even as I say that, I'm like, don't let your kids on Snapchat, please. They do not need to be on Snapchat. Get them a basic phone. If they need to have a phone, get them a basic phone, not a fully stocked iPhone that you then have to figure out how to dumb down.
[00:33:59] 'cause it's really hard. Right? Start with the basic. And I don't mean a flip phone. They can have a, you know, there's plenty of basic phones out there that look and feel just like your typical iPhone or Android phone, but. All they've got is texting, calling and maps, you know, and a camera or something like that.
[00:34:17] Get a basic phone for your middle schoolers. They do not need all the things. And if you are, they already have all the things. Don't be afraid to say, oopsie, I made a mistake. I gotta reign this in. So we're swapping that out. It's okay to feel disappointed. I love you, and we can talk more about it, right?
[00:34:35] You're the parent, you're in charge. You're buying them these things and paying the bills for it.
[00:34:48] And then finally, a conversation that you have to be having with your middle schooler is about mental health and talking about stress, anxiety, and feelings, right? You've got to talk about feelings, and then when you talk about feelings, you're reducing the stigma. You get to normalize mental health, just like we talk about physical health.
[00:35:08] Stress and anxiety are a part of being human. Help them see that they're not broken for feeling this way. And the more open you are to these conversations, the more you're building a space for resilience, right? When kids practice naming their emotions, they're better equipped to cope and seek support. So here's how you talk about it.
[00:35:29] First you start off with, hey, guess what? Everyone has mental health. Just like everybody has physical health, and just like our bodies need care, our minds need care. And talking about stress or how we're feeling doesn't make you weak. It makes you strong. And any dads that are listening right now, please model this for your sons.
[00:35:50] Please do all of us a favor and get better at modeling, taking care of your mental health out loud in front of your sons. Another thing that you can say to your kiddos is that it's normal to feel stress and anxiety sometimes. Big emotions don't mean anything is wrong with you. It means that you're human and that you're moving through the experience of life unfolding and sharing what you feel helps say that to your kids.
[00:36:17] Sharing how you're feeling is gonna help you be with how you're feeling. Putting words to your feelings makes them easier to handle, and you don't have to go through the hard stuff alone. All right. Now, parents, I just went through, what was that, like six different topics. You don't need to cover everything in one night, all right?
[00:36:37] You don't have to cover everything in one night. Think of it like these little seeds that you're planting over time that you're going to come back to and water again and again and again. So as you listen to this podcast, you can go back and I'll even put, make sure that all six topics are in the show notes.
[00:36:56] Pick one of these topics each week and plant that seed. You can even bring one of these topics if you're doing family meetings. Five gold stars. If you're doing family meetings, by the way, you can ha say, Hey, you know what? For the next six weeks we're gonna, I'm gonna pull up one topic each week just for us to briefly talk about, ask questions about, be curious about.
[00:37:21] Just for the whole family so that we can feel like these are things that, one, they're important things for us to talk about. And two, so we can all get better at talking about them. One topic a week, that's your homework. That's what I encourage you to do.
[00:37:41] So when you're having these conversations, and I gave you some examples of language. But when you're having these conversations, it's important to start out by leading with curiosity. So questions like, what do you already know about consent? Or what are kids saying about vaping or alcohol, or, what are you curious about when it comes to mental health or stress and anxiety?
[00:38:06] I would encourage you to start to also ask questions around, how can I, your parent, how can I be a better listener? What do you need from me? So that I can be the best person for you to explore this stuff. 'cause all this stuff is real and relevant and it makes sense that you're gonna be curious and want to explore some of these things.
[00:38:28] How can I be someone who you'll talk to? And if I'm, if you're like, oh my God, I'd rather die than talk to you about sex and consent, who are the adults in your life? That would be great people for you, right? You wanna keep it short and sweet. These are two minute talks. Quick, quick, quick. Drop in, drop out, right?
[00:38:51] Find some natural entry points. You can talk to them in the car when everybody's. When you're not like facing each other and you're all looking out the window, right? You can notice when things come up in a show that you're watching together and talk about it, or if there's a news story or a tick, something coming up on TikTok, like there's so many useful entry points for having these conversations.
[00:39:15] You could also say, oh man, I was talking to my friend and their kiddo was talking about X, Y, Z. I'm wondering what you think about this. Right. And then finally, when you're having these conversations, admit what you don't know, right? If they do ask a question, you can say, Hey, you know what? That is a great question.
[00:39:34] Let's look it up together. Or if you're not sure what your answer to something is, you can say, you know what? I'm not really sure about that. I wanna sit with it for a while and then let's talk about it again tomorrow or later in the week. Right? Curiosity questions are a positive discipline tool, and they build problem solving and connection.
[00:39:56] So instead of you better not ever vape, you might ask questions like, what do you know about vaping? What do you think makes kids wanna try it? How would you handle it if a friend offered it to you? Right? These are curiosity questions and if you can stay really neutral and truly be curious, instead of like, I hope they have the right answer, you're gonna get some, some pretty deep honesty and it might be a launching point to some really important conversations.
[00:40:26] Alright, so again, when you feel like you wanna give a lecture on something, pause. And come up with three curiosity questions instead to foster communication and connection with your kiddo. Why are these conversations so hard to have? Because we're uncomfortable, right? Maybe we didn't have parents who were great at these kinds of talks growing up.
[00:40:49] I know I didn't. And we center our feelings instead of their feelings. So sometimes. You know, we bring our embarrassment. Our past experiences are our insecurities into the conversation, which makes it about us teens, our kids. They need us to regulate our discomfort so that we can focus on hearing them and on validating them, and on guiding them.
[00:41:10] And there's also this idea that fear. We're afraid of giving them ideas about something like, well, they haven't brought up vaping. I don't wanna bring up vaping. And then all of a sudden they're thinking about vaping. Guess what they already know about vaping. Okay. Silence doesn't protect them, silence doesn't protect them.
[00:41:28] The truth is, the kids are already hearing about all of these things from peers, media or the internet. You don't li, you know, unless you're off grid and you don't interact with anybody. They are already hearing about much of this stuff. And when we stay silent, we are giving up the chance to shape the narrative with accurate value-based guidance.
[00:41:48] So don't be afraid, and they are gonna be curious. And if they're gonna be curious and not have any guidance, things get really risky. They're naturally wired to explore. So if they don't get information from us, they'll seek it out. And often the places where they seek it out. Don't carry the nuance or the care or the context that we're gonna bring to the conversation.
[00:42:11] Right? And finally, that openness, it's gonna build trust, right? And that's what you want right now, middle school parents because they're, you're in the beginning of a long transition that your kiddos are moving through from childhood to young adulthood. And when we're willing to talk about the big scary stuff, the awkward stuff, the uncomfortable stuff.
[00:42:34] In a way that's nonjudgmental and neutral and open. It shows our teens that we can handle it and it makes it more likely that they'll come to us when something actually happens instead of hiding it, right. It, it'll give them a place where they can process their choices that maybe on the other side of those choices, they're like, oh my God, why did I do that?
[00:42:59] We want them to have a space to come. And to say, okay, I have to talk to my parents about this instead of, I can't talk to my parent about this, and I get it. You wanna protect their innocence. But innocence isn't the same thing as ignorance. And sometimes we confuse those few things. Sometimes wanting to keep kids innocence sometimes means shielding them from real world topics like sex and substances, mental health, peer pressure.
[00:43:29] But innocence isn't about not knowing. It's about being free from harm. Knowledge and awareness actually protects innocence by equipping our kids to navigate challenges that are gonna come up safely. And a lot of times we're underestimating their readiness. Teens are often exposed to big topics earlier than we expect through friends.
[00:43:52] Again, media school, we hold back because we feel like they're not ready. We leave them unprepared. So don't miss your chance to be their guide. Okay? Be proactive. You're not rushing them into adulthood. You're preparing them for adolescence and preparing them to navigate the world that they're already in.
[00:44:12] So here's what I want you to think about. Ask yourself, what's one hard conversation that you avoided as a child, as a teen, and how did it impact you? I know for me, I made so many risky choices, which included a lot of promiscuity when I was an older teenager, and I didn't have anyone to talk about it with.
[00:44:35] I didn't have anyone to process it with, and I didn't feel good about it, but I convinced myself that it was okay and it was a lot to unpack later. Right. I wish I had felt like I could have talked to one of my parents about what I was going through and not. Felt judged or dismissed. Or you know, criticized, but I didn't feel like I could do that with the adults in my life.
[00:45:00] So there you go. Learn from me. Learn from me.
[00:45:08] Okay. I know there's a lot. I know this is a big. Podcast and we went in a lot of different directions. Like I mentioned at the top, those six conversations could be six different podcast episodes, which I will, in the show notes on the website, I will make sure to put some follow up. Maybe I'll make even a little Spotify playlist.
[00:45:28] I'll put some follow up podcasts from the past that have talked about each of these things more deeply so that you can re-listen or listen before you have some of these conversations. But don't wait too long 'cause they're really. Important. Staying ahead isn't about doing it perfectly. Okay? That's the other thing.
[00:45:46] It's about showing up again and again, and again, and again, and again with openness. With honesty and with love, right? These are ongoing conversations, not one and done lectures. So next episode, it'll be episode three of this little middle school miniseries. We're gonna talk about the life skills that our kids need most and how we can build them without micromanaging.
[00:46:11] So for now, for the next few days, your job is simple. Pick one tricky topic and plant one seed. I know you've got this. I know you've got this. I'll see you soon. Bye.
[00:46:27] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:46:54] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.