Eps 609: Middle School Series Part Three – Life Skills to Nurture

Today, joyful courage means practicing what I preach. It means, listening to my body’s need for rest and movement. Joyful courage today means deciding to show up well even when I feel crummy.

Resources:

Back to School Checklist 
Family Meeting Guide

Eps 313: Solo Show- The Basics of Family Meetings

Eps 440: Doing our work of self-regulation

Eps 231: SOLO SHOW – Moving from Right/Wrong to Effective and Remembering that Self Regulation is Learned Over Time with PRACTICE

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:01:24] Hi, everybody. Hi. Welcome back to the Joyful Courage Podcast and our third episode of the Middle School Series. First of all, sorry about my voice. Today is my birthday, and last week I got to go to a four day. Music festival extravaganza. And as you can imagine, I don't keep it chill. I have a great time at music festivals.
[00:01:56] I always tell myself that I'm gonna nap more, that I'm gonna eat better, that I'm just gonna be a little more chill, and then the time comes and I just am ready to party. So that's why I sound like this. I came home with cold. And, uh, it was worth it. It was worth it. So anyway, here we are, third episode of our middle school season.
[00:02:20] So far we've explored the middle school landscape and talked about conversations that you just can't afford to avoid. If you've missed those shows, I'd encourage you to go back and listen to them. This is a four part series. It builds on itself. And there's good stuff in each and every episode, so check it out.
[00:02:42] Today we're gonna focus on something that is equally as important to where we've been, which is life skill development. Middle school is such a key season in the overarching season of adolescence. Our kids are straddling childhood and full teen years, and the habits they're building now are going to carry them into high school and beyond.
[00:03:08] But here's the thing, they don't learn these skills by being told about these skills, by being lectured about these skills. They learn these skills by practicing and experiencing and doing these skills by messing up, making mistakes, getting up, trying again. They learn these skills by the processing and the conversations that we have with them in support of them connecting dots around choices and consequences and how they're feeling and what they're thinking, right?
[00:03:43] They need us in the development of these skills. So academics, we know academics are important. Of course, we want our kids to do well in school. Okay? We all want that. But life skills are what set kids up for independence, healthy relationships, and the resilience and grit they need to meet life as it unfolds, right?
[00:04:06] I think this is so important. I think it's so. Bizarre and unfortunate that we call social and emotional skills, life skills, soft skills. That's to me, complete bullshit because life skills are everything. They're everything, right? And while life skills do have the opportunity to be developed through the academic journey, it is life and relationship and experience.
[00:04:38] That truly nurtures what it is that we need to be active participants and contributors and manifesters in our lives, right? These years, these early adolescent years are part of that training ground. It's low stakes practice before the world really starts to expect more. This is not when mastery arrives.
[00:05:03] I think this is really important for you to hear. Your middle schooler is not gonna master these life skills that we're gonna be talking about. Instead, adolescence is when our kids get these high reps, high repetitions for moving through challenges, building a bank of experiences that will support their decision making in the future.
[00:05:24] Right? High reps of discomfort and feelings of. Regret and remorse and yeah, guilt, all those things, right? Excitement, pride, accomplishment, right? High repetitions to really nurture those neuro pathways and develop those skills, right? Teaching and holding space for skills to be built and confidence to be built.
[00:05:57] Reduces supports in reducing power struggles. Now listen, I know how tempting it is. Believe me, I know how tempting it is to talk and talk and talk to your kids in hopes that they get it. Get the message through your sage wisdom. But you have to remember that your wisdom didn't come from listening to the adults in your life, although I'm sure there were a few lectures here and there, or a few.
[00:06:25] You know, comments, a few conversations that were delivered that were were useful of course, but if you're being honest with yourself, you're real learning. The deep life lessons that made the biggest impact came from life, came from the experience of the results of working hard, or the consequences of making mistakes.
[00:06:49] Middle school for you parents is the beginning of letting go. Of letting go and letting life teach your kiddo. Your role is to be someone who is available to help them process the results and consequences of their choices. Your role is to love them through the shit they may create to wade through. Your role is to celebrate their wins and message time and time again that you love and accept them for who they are in any given moment, whether they're soaring.
[00:07:22] Whether they're flailing, whether they're questioning your job, is to message time and time again that you love and accept them for who they are in any given moment, and that you have faith that they are capable of being with what's hard and of learning and growing. So let that really sink in as we move through the rest of the pod.
[00:07:58] So when I think about some core life skills for middle schoolers, I think about the skills that are so well, they're the useful skills, they're definitely skills that are tapping on their shoulders. And granted, you know, we can make a whole list of life skills that we need to thrive. As you know, adults in society.
[00:08:22] But I'm just gonna highlight a few that really are offered a lot of opportunity to be developed during this time of life. And the first one is self-regulation. I mean, I kind of think that most issues, most problems stem from self-regulation problems. We are as humans. Not super focused on developing the skill of self-regulation, and we see this in adults.
[00:08:49] We see this from the top down, from, you know, the biggest stages of the world to the smallest interactions that we're having. Humans really struggle with self-regulation and we don't have to. Self-regulation can be learned over time. Self-regulation is still very much a work in progress during the teen years.
[00:09:11] And that's not because our kids aren't trying, it's because their brains are still under construction, right? The prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for impulse control and planning and emotional regulation, it doesn't fully mature until mid twenties. And at the same time, the limbic system, which drives emotion and reward seeking in the brain, that part of the brain is highly active.
[00:09:37] So they're really emotional with limited skills to navigate the emotion that they're having. This developmental mismatch is why our young tweens and teens can feel like they're on an emotional rollercoaster and why they need support and not shame when they struggle. Self-regulation is so important during the stage because it lays the foundation for how our kids handle stress, make decisions, and navigate relationship.
[00:10:09] When we offer tools, when we model. Self-regulation. When we model calm and create environments that help them pause before reacting, we're literally helping to wire their brains for resilience and thoughtful action in the years to come. Now, there was a key thing that I said we have to model self-regulation.
[00:10:30] We have to keep it together. We have to be willing in those moments when they are flipped and they are in their limbic system and they are not regulating their emotions, we have to be willing and able to model for them to show them, Hey man, we can handle this. I'm calm. You can stay calm. Right? Or I'm calm and I can handle you freaking out about this.
[00:10:58] We're gonna get there. So self-regulation is a big, big tool, and I have shows that talk a lot extensively about teaching and modeling, self-regulation, another life skill that's super important to be developing all the time. But definitely through this part of life is problem solving. Thinking through options, not just reacting, staying solution focused.
[00:11:24] Problem solving skills are also very much in development during the early teen years. While young people may look and sound more grownup like, they're not toddlers, they're not preschoolers anymore. However, their ability to think through complex situations, way long term consequences, and consider multiple perspectives.
[00:11:46] Is still emerging. Again, how many adults do we know that are still emerging in these skills? This is because the prefrontal cortex, the brain region, tied to executive functioning and higher order thinking. Again, I'm saying it again, I know is one of the last areas to fully mature and at the same time that social emotional intensity of adolescents.
[00:12:07] Can make it hard to access those still developing skills in the moment. This is why the tween and early teen years is such a critical window. It's the perfect time to practice problem solving in low stake ways with guidance and encouragement. And when we slow down with our kids, when we invite their ideas.
[00:12:29] When we let them wrestle with challenges, instead of jumping in with answers, we're strengthening those mental muscles that they'll rely on to make wise choices and navigate the big decisions that come later. Right, and I think this is, this is that place where parents. In their desperation to get their kids on the right track or to do what they think they should do.
[00:12:57] This is when we get really enticed by the whole carrot and stick, right? What are the rewards or consequences that I need to put into place in middle school so that they are on the right path? But this is assuming that they have all the skills that they need and they're just not engaging in them. This is assuming that if you put up the bumpers on either side, consequence or reward tight enough, they'll just do the right thing.
[00:13:23] But what I'm saying here and what research shows that it's not about whether or not they'll do the right thing, it's whether or not they have the skills to, you know, make choices that ultimately optimize the results that they're seeing, and those tools and those skills are in development. Another skill to really lean into during this time is time management, right?
[00:13:47] Using a planner, oh my God, my kids would be rolling their eyes if they heard me say that. Breaking down tasks, being aware of time. Time management. Another skill that's under construction during the early teen years, and again, it has to do with brain development. Managing time well requires planning ahead and organizing tasks and prioritizing.
[00:14:11] Which again are executive functioning skills that depend on that prefrontal cortex that is still in development and it's frustrating. I know it seems so simple to be able to say like, oh, hey, you have a test in three weeks, study a little bit every day, and you'll get there. It makes sense that we should be able to say that and they should get it.
[00:14:31] And really what they need is yes, a little bit of that, but also let's see how it goes. What's you, what are your ideas? What is your plan? For mapping out what it looks like to study for this test or prep for this tryout or audition. Remember too though that early adolescents are experiencing huge shifts in hormones and social dynamics and academic demands, all of which can make it even harder to keep track of what needs to get done.
[00:14:59] This is why time management practice is so important. During this season of growth, and remember, this is practice not mastery. When we guide our kids with tools like calendars and routines and gentle reminders, while also giving them a lot of space to stumble and try again, we're helping them build confidence and independence.
[00:15:22] These early experiences of learning how to manage their time, set the stage for handling greater responsibility in high school, college, and beyond. All right, so right alongside time management comes organization, right? Keeping it track of things, including schoolwork and sports equipment and all the things, right?
[00:15:43] Organization is another scale that's still developing during the early teen years and will continue to be developing, and it is a source of frustration for all of us. Staying organized requires. Working memory and planning and the ability to juggle multiple moving parts. Again, executive functioning skills that are tied to the prefrontal cortex.
[00:16:07] So add in the rapid changes of puberty and shifting priorities with friends and schools and the new responsibilities that come with middle school. It makes sense that you may be experiencing your tween or teen as scattered. But this stage is exactly when practicing organization matters the most. Again, we're practicing, we're not mastering, learning how to keep track of assignments, belongings, commitments.
[00:16:34] Builds not just practical skills, but also confidence and a sense of agency, right? When we support our kids with structural routines and encouragement while also allowing them to take ownership, we're helping to wire the brain for greater independence and success in the years ahead. Something that I do, and I think this is useful for problem solving, time management organization, all of the things that we're talking about is I ask a lot of questions.
[00:17:02] You know, questions like, what's your plan? How did that work out for you? What might you do differently next time? What do you need? What wasn't helpful? And really from a place of curiosity and not judgment, and they can sniff out judgment. So you gotta practice letting your judgment in your agenda go and really being in it.
[00:17:25] For the curiosity aspect to pull your child into their own curiosity around, yeah, what did get in my way? What did make it hard? What would be more useful the next time? Versus, oh my gosh, here comes my mom, or here comes my dad with all the questions. So annoying, right? We don't wanna create that sense because it's not useful and they're not thinking about organizing and planning and time management.
[00:17:48] They're thinking about how annoying we are. So, yeah, curiosity as a tool. So key responsibility, part of positive discipline, right? We talk about Adlerian theory and the human need to thrive. Is embedded in that feeling of, in that sense of belonging and significance and contributing in the household, having real responsibility at home, things like chores and caring for pets or siblings, helping the family.
[00:18:19] This is what significance is born out of. Right? And it's in development. Even though our kids are totally capable of more independence, follow through on accountability, don't come naturally yet. Because they draw on that ever developing executive functioning part of the brain. Right. I'm really drilling that in.
[00:18:41] I want you be, and the really reason I keep talking about the executive functioning and prefrontal cortex is because so often we get frustrated with our kids' behavior and we look at it as character flaws. And we don't always think about, oh yeah, this is where they are developmentally. This is where they are developed mentally, so we can take it a little less personally, and we see our kiddos not through a defiance lens, but instead through a developmental lens, and that's really useful.
[00:19:11] On top of that, teens and tweens are navigating a strong pull towards autonomy and identity formation, which can sometimes sound like and look like. Resistance or forgetfulness when it comes to chores and family contributions, this is exactly why those responsibilities at home are so important. During this stage.
[00:19:33] They give kids a safe, consistent place to practice skills to practice, contribution to practice, time management and planning, persistence and collaboration. When we hold boundaries, when we hold, um, expectations with warmth and encouragement. And we invite them into collaboration, invite them into cooperation to step up at home.
[00:19:58] We're not just getting the dishwasher emptied. We're teaching a lot of important life skills, including feeling capable and the value of being part of something bigger than themselves.
[00:20:18] Another life skill. That is in development and so important to be practicing during this time of life is communication. Communication, expressing needs, respectfully, being able to listen to others, and while teens and tweens may seem like they're growing in their articulation. Their ability to clearly express feelings, listen actively, and interpret tone or body language, those skills are actually still very much maturing.
[00:20:55] This is because again, the brain regions that support perspective taking emotional regulation and language processing are in flux during adolescence. Add in heightened emotion, social pressure, and a deep desire for independence and communication can get super messy really fast. But this is also why these years are such an important window.
[00:21:17] Learning to talk through conflict share ideas respectfully, and practice empathy and conversation are foundational skills that will serve them in friendships in school, in family life, when they're out in the world. When we can model open dialogue, when we can normalize. Open dialogue, stay curious instead of reactive and create safe spaces for honest expression.
[00:21:41] We help our kids grow into confident, thoughtful communicators. And the final skill that I wanna highlight today is the skill of self-advocacy. Asking for help speaking up for themselves is the ability to recognize your needs. To speak them and to ask for help. It's all still in development during the early teen years.
[00:22:05] Oh my gosh. Am I repeating the same thing over and over? Yes, I am. Because that's how important these skills are, and it's really important to me that you understand that this is a time for practicing, right? Self-advocacy. This skill depends on a mix of self-awareness, confidence, communication, and problem solving.
[00:22:26] All of which are tied to executive functioning and the social emotional growth that continues well into young adulthood and beyond. Early adolescents are just beginning to form a stronger sense of identity and autonomy, which can make it feel really risky to voice their needs or to challenge authority.
[00:22:48] Right. And authority might be a teacher, it might be a coach, or it might be a friend. Right. At the same time, they're navigating environments with higher expectations, more complex schoolwork, shifting friendships and growing responsibilities at home. That's why practicing self-advocacy now is so important.
[00:23:09] When we encourage our kids to articulate their thoughts, seek clarification, or ask for support, we're helping them build the skills they need to navigate high school. And beyond college, adult life with confidence and resilience. And don't forget, something that you hear me say a lot is they have to see this model.
[00:23:30] So how are you demonstrating self-advocacy? What does it look like for you to ask for help? How are you sharing stories of your own experiences of seeking clarification or asking for support? These are the important life skills during middle school. There's many, many more, but these are the ones that I thought were important enough to highlight.
[00:23:50] I encourage you to choose one skill that your child is ready to stretch into, and really make that a focus for a few weeks. Don't do all of them at once, but maybe you can even put it on the refrigerator. Talk about it in your family meetings. And keep in mind again, we are here to teach, model these life skills, not nag, right?
[00:24:12] So we get to model the skills. Here's how I make a plan when I'm overwhelmed. I don't know if this will be useful for you, but this is what's useful for me. Break these skills. Into steps. Don't expect mastery right away. Let them practice. Stay out of it for a while, even if it's messy. Let them stumble. Let them stumble a little longer.
[00:24:32] Than's comfortable for you, right? Use encouragement instead of praise, man, you figured that out. You did it. Good job. Well done. That took a lot of courage. You really communicated and articulated yourself really well to your teacher to make your point. Right. Naming the evidence and naming the skills that they're leaning into.
[00:24:52] Build routines that support those skills. Make checklists, share calendars, use family meetings. Right? And I have podcasts about family meetings that you can go back to. Remember that family meetings are a place for practicing cooperation, planning, and problem solving together. Shift your language. Instead of, man, you never remember your homework.
[00:25:14] You're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. You can't seem to be ready for practice. Instead of those words, try What is on your plan for keeping track of your assignments this week? What's gonna be your routine for making sure your soccer stuff is all ready to go when it's time to leave the house?
[00:25:34] Keep in mind what gets in the way for us parents as far as this skill building goes, we get impatient. Right, just like when they were toddlers. Yes, it is faster to do it ourselves, but sit with your impatience. Get over it, push it to the side. And remember, what's most important is your kiddos practicing these skills.
[00:25:56] What gets in the way? Our fear, right? Our discomfort. We wanna protect them from the struggle. We are not doing them any favors. Let it go. Recognize, of course, I don't want them to be uncomfortable. I love them so much, and I also don't want to rob them of the opportunity for learning these important life skills.
[00:26:18] Right? The other thing that gets in the way is your perfectionism expecting them to have mastered these skills too soon. They haven't mastered them, they won't master them. These are ongoing developmental skills that they're gonna. Be practicing in middle school, in high school and beyond. Think about the adults in your life that you know that still have areas of growth when it comes to life skills.
[00:26:46] Let them build confidence through trial and error. Confidence comes from experience, not protection. Ask yourself, what life skill did I wish I had learned earlier? And how can I give space for my child to practice that now?
[00:27:07] There you have it. There you have it. Episode three. Remember, middle school is the perfect time to start weaving in these real world life skills. You don't have to overhaul everything. I did not make these episodes for you to panic, but just look for those everyday moments where you can acknowledge that there is room for some practice.
[00:27:33] Laundry, homework, making dinner. Solving a friendship problem, organizing for a project or a test, and then hand the reins over a little bit at a time. Next episode is episode four. We're gonna bring it all together and talk about how to nurture connection and courage through the ups and downs of middle school.
[00:27:58] Until then, go plant the seeds of Independence, cheer them on, and trust the process. You've got this, my friend. Thank you for listening. Bye.
[00:28:12] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:28:39] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.