ShareYour Kids Are Not Manipulating You
Parenting can be a challenging journey, often pushing us to our limits. It’s easy to fall into old patterns of control—like shouting or giving demands—especially when things get tough. But what if there was a way to foster connection and understanding, rather than frustration? The answer lies in curiosity. Let’s explore this idea of kids and teens manipulating their parents.
Kids Are Not Manipulative
It’s important to remember: Kids are not manipulative. Often, when children resist, whine, or throw a tantrum, we may view their behavior as an attempt to control us. However, their behavior is usually a form of communication, not manipulation. Kids are still learning to express themselves and navigate their emotions. Instead of reacting with frustration, try to get curious about what they might be feeling or needing. Are they hungry, tired, or overwhelmed? When we see their actions through the lens of curiosity, it opens up space for empathy and understanding.
Shifting from Control to Curiosity
One of the most effective ways to introduce curiosity into your parenting is by focusing on asking questions rather than issuing commands. Think about how often you tell your child to do something. “Go brush your teeth.” “Put your toys away.” “Stop whining.” These are commands that often leave children feeling disempowered or disconnected, even if the intention behind them is well-meaning.
In an activity I often do with parents, we explore the difference between telling and asking by imagining what it feels like to be a child receiving instructions from an adult. In the first round, I ask the group to role-play as a child and listen to a series of commands:
- “Go brush your teeth, or you’ll have a mouthful of cavities.”
- “Don’t forget your coat.”
- “Stop fighting with your brother.”
- “Hurry up, or you’ll miss the bus.”
As the “child,” many parents report feeling disempowered, anxious, or disconnected. They might feel as if they’re doing something wrong or that their parent doesn’t care about them. From the child’s perspective, the parent is seen as bossy or demanding, and there’s often a feeling of “I’m not capable” or “I don’t want to do what you’re telling me to do.”
Now, let’s imagine a different scenario. In the second round, I ask parents to role-play again but as a child receiving questions:
- “What do you need to do so your teeth will feel squeaky clean?”
- “What will you wear so you stay warm outside?”
- “How can you and your brother solve this problem together?”
- “What’s your plan for making it to the bus stop on time this morning?”
The difference is striking. Parents report feeling more empowered, connected, and even curious about the process. Instead of being told what to do, they are invited to think, reflect, and make decisions. This simple shift—asking questions instead of telling—has the power to completely change the way children respond to their parents. They feel more trusted and capable, which fosters a sense of self-efficacy.
Collaboration and Co-Creation
It’s important to note that asking questions works best when there’s a foundation of collaboration and co-creation between you and your child. For example, rather than simply telling your child to do something, you might have a conversation about their bedtime routine or chores and decide together what works best for everyone.
- What did we decide in our family meeting about bedtime?
- What is our plan for putting dishes away after dinner?
- What’s your plan for catching the bus on time tomorrow?
These kinds of questions assume that your child is capable of coming up with solutions and that they’re an active participant in your family’s dynamics. It’s not about being “the boss” but about creating shared responsibility and encouraging your child to make thoughtful decisions.
When you approach parenting with curiosity, you’re teaching your child valuable life skills, like problem-solving, responsibility, and self-regulation. You’re also building a strong, trusting relationship where your child feels seen and heard.
It’s a Practice
Shifting from a command-based parenting style to one rooted in curiosity doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice, patience, and self-compassion. If you fall back into old patterns, don’t beat yourself up. Take a step back, reset, and try again. You’re modeling growth for your child by showing them that it’s okay to make mistakes and try new things.
Final Thoughts
Parenting doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all manual, but curiosity is a powerful tool that can transform your relationship with your children. By asking questions and seeking to understand, we can foster connection, trust, and mutual respect. When we come from a place of curiosity, we create an environment where both we and our children can thrive.
Play with curiosity in your parenting. It may just surprise you how much it can change the way you engage with your kids.
From Joyful Courage Podcast Episode 183
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