Eps 611: Middle School Series Part Four – Connection and Courage

Today joyful courage is about resetting my mindset, returning to my personal practices, and doing the inner work required to meet life as it unfolds.

Resources:

• Family Meetings with Teens Guide – click here to download
• Podcast episode 313 – The Basics of Family Meetings
• Podcast episode 534 – Creating Special Time with Teens
• Podcast episode 478 – Meeting Misbehavior with Enthusiastic Curiosity
• Podcast episode 299 – Tips on Validation
• Podcast episode 420 – Encouragement Motivation and Our Teens Armor
• Podcast episode 131 – How to Use Routines to Shift the Dynamic in Your Home

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Transcription

[00:29:05] You don't have to call 'em family meetings if you don't want to. But they're just regular times where you're sitting down with your family and you're saying like, Hey, let's connect. Let's problem solve. Let's look at the schedule. Like it doesn't have to be super heavy. Please don't make it heavy. Right.
[00:29:21] It's just like a staff meeting. Right? It's just like a weekly check-in. I'm gonna put, I have a whole family meetings with teens guide that I'm gonna put in the show notes, so tap on that. Link and you'll get the guide if you want that to download. I also did a whole episode about the basics of family meetings, episode three 13.
[00:29:41] I'll put that link in the show notes as well, but really it is, it's that weekly check-in. It's the glue. You know, I remember when the kids were in the house. And granted, as we moved into adolescence, it was way more challenging to keep family meetings a weekly affair. They were more like biweekly or every three weeks.
[00:30:02] But when more time would go by, I could feel it. It just felt like less cohesion. It felt like. None of us really knew what was going on. Like, wait, what are you doing? What's the schedule this week? It just, you could feel the disconnection. And then once we started doing family meetings again, it's just like, oh yeah, it's the glue.
[00:30:25] It's the glue, and if problem solving is too tumultuous in your family, then just, it's just a, it's just a task meeting. Okay. Do some compliments or gratitude circle. Talk about the schedule, maybe talk a little bit about meal planning. Okay. Connect. Connect, that's it. Family meetings are about weekly connections, and I encourage you to do them.
[00:30:50] The other tool that is super useful when it comes to, uh, building connection and courage is special time, right? We're really good at it. When they're little, we know the value when they're little. It is equally as important when they are adolescence, one on one time led by your kid. It's one-on-one time.
[00:31:11] Special time is not about let's have a hard conversation unless your kiddo wants to bring up something hard. It's about. Continuing to know and delight in this young person who's moving through this really crazy transitional period of time, known as the season of adolescents, right? And I have a whole podcast that's all about creating special time with teens.
[00:31:34] It's episode 5 34. You'll see the link in the show notes, but make it happen. Put it on the schedule. Don't ask. Don't say, Hey, can we have a little bit of one-on-one time? Say, Hey, we're gonna have some one-on-one time this week, and I can do either Tuesday evening or Friday before school, which works for you, right?
[00:31:57] So you're offering a limited choice and you're leaning into that firmness of this is happening. Okay. The other thing about special time is if you can move towards, like, this is just what we do every week. Friday mornings we leave a little bit early for school, just me and the one kid, and we stop and we get a bagel and maybe a smoothie and, and there's just some lightness and we're connecting and it's fun, and then I drop 'em off.
[00:32:25] Done special one-on-one time as regularly as possible. And you might say, well, I'm in the car with them all the time. Driving them to or from places is not special time. I mean, it's definitely special time as far as like opportunities to connect, but I'm talking about a standalone. Doesn't have to be a whole day.
[00:32:44] Could be half an hour, hour, could be half a day or a full day or something really big, like going to a concert together or something like that. But it doesn't have to be. Okay. Listen to the podcast and you'll get some good ideas.
[00:33:01] Another tool that I talk about a lot that I love that I've already really mentioned here is curiosity, right? Asking before telling, assuming positive intent, assuming capability, what's your plan for getting your homework done? What's your plan for staying safe? When you're out in the world, what's your plan?
[00:33:25] For the day that comes where somebody maybe offers you a vape instead of directives. We wanna use curiosity. And the reason we wanna use curiosity is because curiosity is what develops their executive functioning. Curiosity develops the prefrontal cortex. We are inviting them into thinking. What and how questions we want to invite them into working out the prefrontal cortex.
[00:33:53] And that's what we're doing when we ask questions. Now, don't get too crazy with it, because some of our kids look at us like, why are you asking me so many questions? And if you're somebody who has been giving a lot of directives, right? If you're. Parent who's been a little bit of a controller, then I encourage you to laugh at yourself and say, I know, right?
[00:34:13] I am asking more questions. Actually, here's why. I realize I've been spending a lot of time just telling you what I think or telling you what to do, and. That doesn't really grow your brain, and it probably feels kind of disrespectful, so I'm just trying something new. Okay? Like, it's okay. Be transparent.
[00:34:31] Be transparent about it. Use curiosity. Episode 4 78 is one of my favorite episodes about curiosity. It's called meeting misbehavior with enthusiastic Curiosity. So check that out if you want a little bit more about that. Another tool that comes up with nearly every single one of the clients that I work with is validating.
[00:34:56] Validating their feelings, validating their experience, right? That sounds so tough. It makes sense that you feel so upset. I see you moving through this hard time instead of minimizing or dismissing, or. You know, the worst. Really trying to talk them out of how they're feeling, validate, validate their experience.
[00:35:23] Right. This is so key, and, and I think parents stay away from validation because they feel like maybe it's also the same as agreeing, and that's not what we're talking about. It's really about wanting, about creating the ideal, optimal conditions for our kiddos to feel seen in their experience. That's it, right?
[00:35:47] And middle school is so ripe for tough experiences, whether it's in the classroom with friendships, they might be having some of their first crushes, which can be crushing, right? So get your validation messages in order, not as a formula, but instead so that you can really drop in and be there with them.
[00:36:11] And let them know, I see you in this. I see you working hard. I see you in your resilience. I see your courage. I see you. Episode 2 99, has tips on validation. I would encourage you to listen if you want more on that. Another positive discipline tool that we love. Encouragement. Encouragement, encouragement.
[00:36:37] Encouragement over praise, right? Point out their effort. Point out the strengths and the life skills you see them flexing into. Point out their growth again, one, you're helping them feel seen, and two, they don't know. They don't, they're not sitting around thinking about all the life skills that they're learning or strengths that are being developed.
[00:37:00] They are not thinking about that. So you get to point it out with evidence and all of a sudden they get to recognize and oh, like, oh yeah, you know what? I did work hard on that project. Or, yeah, I was a good friend when I stood up for her. Or, yeah, I guess that did take a lot of grit or courage or compassion.
[00:37:23] Right name it. Name those strengths, and encourage them to take those strengths that you see in one domain and use it in another domain. I have so many episodes on encouragement, and I don't know if you know this, but if you go to be sprout audible.com, there's a little search box and you can drop in a keyword there and it'll show you all the podcast episodes that have that keyword as part of the title.
[00:37:48] Encouragement has a lot. One of my faves is episode four 20. Encouragement, motivation, and our teens armor encourage you. I encourage you to listen to that show. It's a good one. Re-listen to it. And then finally, something that really enhances connection and courage in our households with our growing kiddos, our rituals and routines, right?
[00:38:16] Rituals and routines are just these small anchors, kind of like family meetings. That create belonging, that keep us connected, that give us a shared purpose, right? And oftentimes when things feel chaotic, especially different times of day or even like screens or curfews or you know, even how to ask for something when we can create some ritual or some routine or some rhythm.
[00:38:48] Around the flow of the day, the flow of the morning, the flow of the week. It's going to generate a more optimal environment for connection. It's gonna generate a more optimal environment for courage, for doing hard things. I have an oldie but a goodie about routines and it's funny when I looked this one up, the picture that comes up, my kids are so young.
[00:39:14] It's so cute. I think Rowan's probably. Maybe in ninth grade and Ian's in sixth or seventh grade. Anyway, it's episode 1 31 and the title is How to Use Routines to Shift the Dynamic in Your Home, right? So I would encourage you to listen to that. And again, all these episodes that I've mentioned will also be in the show notes, but those are some really powerful tools.
[00:39:43] For that connection and courage that we wanna be creating in our relationships with our middle schoolers, our growing adolescents. So yeah, man, go us, right? We went through the landscape of middle school. We talked about conversations that are important to be having during these years, the life skills that you wanna be nurturing their development of.
[00:40:05] And then today, the power of connection and courage, right? Parenting in middle school is about planting seeds that we may not seed bloom right away. Keeping in mind, this is long-term parenting, right? These are long-term goals and. These skills, this development happens inside of relationship through experience over time.
[00:40:32] I would encourage you to let go of perfection and instead focus on your presence and on practicing these things over and over and over again. So I want you to think. What is, as you consider the whole series, what's one shift that you wanna carry forward from this podcast series into your parenting?
[00:40:57] Right. What's one shift? What's one step you can take and take it?
[00:41:05] That's a wrap. It's a wrap on the middle school miniseries. I really hope that these conversations have given you both practical tools and deep encouragement. Keep in mind that the goal isn't to get it right all the time. I don't get it right all the time. It's to stay in relationship, to show up with that curiosity and to be willing to grow right alongside your kiddo.
[00:41:30] Middle school can absolutely feel like a wild ride, but it is also such a rich opportunity for connection and growth and joy and possibility. Right. It's all the things, and you are not alone. I've got you. If you've been listening along to this series and feeling any certain way about your child or the season ahead, reach out.
[00:41:55] I'm here for you. I'm a coach and I work one-on-one with clients who are working hard on relationships and boundaries and systems and routines in their household. This is what parents take away from my coaching and they are transforming their home environments. I have a membership too, the Living Joyful Courage membership.
[00:42:16] And between you and me, the doors are open at the start of every month, so that might be the best next step for you. And exciting news. We're nearly done with a brand new workshop focused exactly on this season of parenting. The best way to find out what the right fit for you is, is to book an explore call with me at bess spreadable.com/explore.
[00:42:40] So you get on my schedule and we hop on a 15 minute call. You share a little bit about your challenges with me. And I offer you a little feedback, and also we get to decide what would be useful for you. Is it useful for you to join the membership? Does coaching feel like it's the right fit? This new workshop, what would be best for you?
[00:43:01] We can look at those things together. Thanks for being here with me through this journey. I'd love to hear what resonated most for you. Come find me on Instagram at Joyful Courage or in the Joyful Courage for Teens Facebook Group. You can also shoot me an email [email protected]. Let's keep this conversation going Until next time.
[00:43:23] Keep being curious, keep being courageous, and keep showing up for the people that you love. You've got this. Bye.
[00:43:36] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my SPR partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pod Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:44:03] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.