Eps 577: Revisiting the power of examining the beliefs we hold about our teens and tweens

Today Joyful Courage is about being willing to be honest with myself about the beliefs I am holding about the people I love. It might not feel good to recognize where I am coming from, AND it matters to take a look and be willing to hold the in a more encouraging light.

Resources mentioned:

• Belief Behind Behavior podcast series: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2csn5mc61rkCr1GrGklfr3?si=8e747c194d634fb4
• Eps 129: Solo Show – Using the Iceberg Metaphor to Understand Behavior
• Eps 177: Casey is solo talking about how we influence the iceberg

Jump into the FB group discussion at https://www.facebook.com/groups/jcforparentsofteens/posts/1604661457038309/

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey there, I am jumping into introduce this show. We are revisiting episode four 80 from last year, exploring our beliefs about our kids. And how those beliefs make an impact on them and our relationship with them. I just re-listened to this and I feel like there is so much value to continue to squeeze out of this episode.
[00:00:23] I mention my interview with Cindy Palmer, which was episode 479. That is also absolutely worth a revisit. I would encourage you to do so. I talk in this episode about how our teen's behavior is formed by the beliefs they have about themselves. Something we've been hitting hard in the recent weeks and how important it is to go inward and get curious about where our beliefs come from.
[00:00:49] I know that you are going to appreciate this. Enjoy.
[00:00:59] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:01:24] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth. And man, the opportunities abound. Right. My name is Casey O'Roarty. I am a parent coach, positive discipline, lead trainer, and captain of the. Adolescent ship over at Sproutable. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:01:47] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:02:07] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show.
[00:02:17] Hi, so good to be with you again. Yay. Hi, friends. It's another Thursday show, another solo show. You and me. Welcome back. Thank you for tuning in. I appreciate you and I appreciate that you listen and find value here in our little space that we share. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Okay, new week. So this last Monday, I put out a show with Cindy Palmer.
[00:02:49] What did you think about that? I love her. She's my friend. I love the work that she does. I think it's so important for helpers like her to be out there supporting our kids that are transitioning from high school into college, especially those Neurodiverse kids. We have such a good time. We meet and have breakfast every few months and just geek out about what we get to do for work.
[00:03:13] And so it was really special to have her here on the podcast and share her wisdom with all of you. And you know, as happens, there were parts of that conversation that I wanted to. Tug on here in the solo show. There's always themes that come up in interviews that weave into interactions I have online that also show up in the membership space and with clients themes that I find myself talking a lot about that.
[00:03:43] It's exciting then to get to sit here with you and the mic and geek out on it and talk about it. So. The topic for today is showing up in lots of places and conversations, and it's also showing up in my own life and my own practice of relating to the people that I love and the topic is beliefs. Yeah. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about your beliefs, what you believe to be true?
[00:04:11] We've talked a lot on this podcast and in my work we talk a lot about the beliefs behind our. Kids behavior or teens and tweens behavior. But what about the beliefs behind our behavior, our parenting, and how we're showing up for our teens and tweens? Do you spend any time there, those of you that are listening and are like, Hmm, beliefs behind behavior?
[00:04:37] I don't know what she's talking about. I have a whole podcast series that digs into beliefs behind behavior. It's a concept and framework created by Alfred Adler that we talk a lot about in positive discipline. So check the show notes and you'll see a link on Spotify that is a contained playlist of those shows.
[00:04:58] And really the context is the behavior is motivated by. A sense of belonging, connection, as well as significance, meaning, or responsibility. So when we're trying to navigate what's going on with our kids, right, we can use this framework and think about what's happening behind the behavior as far as what they believe to be true about connection and about significance.
[00:05:27] Right? And then that's Adlerian theory. That's what positive Discip one is based on. And you know, in the teen years there's this added layer of brain development, right? There's the novelty seeking, there's the social engagement. There is, you know, that emotional spark. And I'm bringing this up from Dan Siegel's work In Brainstorm.
[00:05:48] He talks about the essence of adolescence, emotional spark, social engagement, novelty seeking creative exploration. All of this is really potent and alive during this adolescent period. Plus they're moving through the world through their developing lens, considering how do I fit? Is the world safe? Is the world unsafe?
[00:06:09] What do I need to do? Who do I need to be to feel this sense of belonging in significance? And what is my sense of belonging? Insignificance. So then they're making decisions based on that, right? I talk about the iceberg, right? And that's not just mine. Positive discipline. We love talking about the iceberg.
[00:06:28] A lot of people talk about the iceberg, and there's a few shows here on the pod that are specific about the iceberg. Episode 1 29 and 1 77, but also so many others. What's happening under the surface of behavior, right? Again, we've talked about this a lot when we're considering our kids' behavior. We're always referencing the iceberg, and I'm always encouraging you to discover what's going on down there because that is where the true issues, the true problem exists.
[00:07:01] That's where we can find and interact and engage and shift what we're seeing at the tip of the iceberg, the behavior, the struggle, right? The behaviors we see are a manifestation of how our teens and tweens are making sense of the world around them. So supporting them in making sense of the world from a different angle, right, with a different, more expanded and encouraged and empowered lens really matters, and that work happens under the surface.
[00:07:28] So, I mean, I have a ton of podcasts. That's kind of the theme of everything. There's a ton about that here on the podcast. So today we're going to shift our focus. And find out what might be valuable about shifting our focus towards ourselves here and getting curious about our response to what's happening with our kids, right?
[00:07:55] Getting curious about what's underneath our iceberg, what's going on to our surface, right? And you know, one reason that this would be valuable is. Our life experience. It's bigger than being a mom or being a dad or being a partner. We're human beings, right? And we're human beings having an emotional experience as we move through life and the ebbs and the folds and the unfolding, and so much comes up inside of all the relating and experiencing that we're doing right.
[00:08:28] Lots of things come up. The relationships in our lives and the meaning we give to the interactions and experiences we have over time form our beliefs, which then guide our responses, right? We are human beings having an emotional experience as we move through life just like our kids. Just because we're adults doesn't mean we stop growing and developing.
[00:08:56] Feeding into beliefs, right?
[00:09:07] We can move through this life on autopilot and not be curious about the why we do the things we do. And we might be fine, right? We might be fine. That might be enough for you, I'm guessing. Not if you listen to this podcast. The invitation I'm making today and every day really is to be ever more self-aware and conscious around how you're showing up in the world, right?
[00:09:36] When I consider the conscious part of conscious parenting, and I 1000% think that positive discipline, I think of it as being under this umbrella of conscious parenting. To me, that means self-awareness. It means inquiry, it means curiosity. It means a willingness to understand ourselves better, to understand the systems that we exist inside of.
[00:10:05] Better to understand the societal norms and the things that are happening in the water that we're swimming in better so that we can have a better understanding of why we do the things we do. So we can have a clearer picture and from that place, make more informed choices, right? Because the better we understand ourselves, I think the less suffering we ultimately create for ourselves.
[00:10:33] And I'll talk more about that later. The other value that I think exists in taking a look at our beliefs is for the people that we love. When we're willing to look inward at the beliefs that are driving our behaviors and our responses, it starts to shift the experience other people have of us, right?
[00:10:56] When we know why we are reacting the way we do with our kids, our partners, our friends, our colleagues, drivers on the road, we get to be at a choice point, right? We get to really consider. What actually is my truth here? We get to pull back and allow others to be in their experience. We get to be ever more conscious again about the message we're sending through our words and actions relationship, as you've heard me say a million times, relationships are about connection.
[00:11:35] They are about seeing and being seen by each other. I. Things, especially with our growing adolescents, they things get really messy when connection gets shaky and one or both of us starts to feel misunderstood, judged, criticized, and adolescence is such a place for this. It's so potent, right? The value of looking at our beliefs is that we can clear out the murkiness, we can pull back the curtain and keep it real.
[00:12:08] Right. We can keep it real with ourselves and with all the people that we love. I had a long conversation with my sister last week. Shout out to Jamie. I love you. We caught up on all the things in life that are up and alive for us both, and there was plenty. And when I texted her the next day to tell her how grateful I am to have her in my life and for her ability to hold space for me, she responded with, I love you.
[00:12:35] It's nice to be able to keep it real. You are the master of that, Casey, and it was such a huge compliment. There are things that we all do that are kind of just a part of our unconscious competence, and that's mine, right? Like I don't know how else to be but real. And that's what I'm here for and that's what I really encourage all of you to do.
[00:12:57] Keep it real, keep it transparent. Catch yourself beating around the bush and tell it straight, right? Tell it straight and. Be curious even there, where is your telling it straight coming from? Again, we're gonna dig into the beliefs, so here we go. How do we discover our beliefs? Right? It may seem simple and straightforward to you, great, but I encourage you to keep digging deeper into this work because beliefs are sneaky.
[00:13:33] I. They may not be hanging out at the surface, or what you find at the surface might not be the totality of what is truly driving your behavior. You might think you have certain beliefs, but when you put it up against how you're responding to life or your teens or your partner, is there alignment. So I shared a story last week in my email.
[00:14:00] I send out a weekly email on Fridays. If you don't get it, you can sign up by going to be s spreadable.com. I show up every Friday in your inbox with a recap of the podcast that went live that week, and a little bit of sharing and prompting and inviting, right? Get in there, keep up with what I'm creating for you.
[00:14:20] I also share all my offers there. So yeah, be s spreadable.com, scroll to the bottom and subscribe. So yeah, my newsletter, you know, I have a 21-year-old. Right. And for those of you that have kids younger than 21, yeah. Uh, you don't stop parenting when they move out. There's still so much that you get to roll around in, even when they're out of the house.
[00:14:44] And those of you that have kids over. My oldest age, you know this to be true, and actually she's doing awesome and she's really rocking the adulting and she's 21. She's a baby adult. She missed an appointment, wasn't able to get a prescription she needed. Started feeling weird, of course. Texted me about it and as soon as I got the story and heard what was going on with her.
[00:15:10] My initial response, I didn't say it out loud, but like everything in me was okay. I can just call the doctor. I can get her an appointment. I can fix this for her. I was so uncomfortable, right? The discomfort of her flailing around and not taking care of it the way I thought she should be taking care of it.
[00:15:29] Was so much for me to hold that I immediately wanted to go into the vortex of, let me just do this for you. Right. Worst case scenario thinking, ah, last week that happened, and I know you know what I'm talking about. It happens really quick. Right. And then, you know, the good news for me and for her is I've been talking about these beliefs.
[00:15:53] I talked about it in my membership call on Wednesday last week, and. You know, it's top of mind. I talked about it in another podcast interview I did last week, and so I was like, okay, so what do I know and believe about my baby adult daughter? I know that she's capable. I know that she wants to feel good.
[00:16:13] I know that she knows what she needs to do, and I know that she has the tools to do it. So rather than swooping in and responding from a place of, oh, clearly you can't handle this, let me handle it for you. Which of course I wouldn't have said that out loud, but that was the belief that would've driven me into, let me fix this, right?
[00:16:35] Instead of doing that, I said, oh man. So what is your plan for getting in and seeing the doctor? And guess what? She figured it out. She's good to go. Me and you people that have subscribed to this way of parenting, we sit inside of these ideas, these ideals. We believe them, right? We believe in the idea of positive discipline and conscious parenting and positive parenting.
[00:17:00] We're into it, and then when things get hard, what are the actual beliefs that start to drive our behavior? I hear from parents all the time in the Facebook group, in my membership with my private clients, how difficult it is not to be in reaction to their kids, right. And sit inside of the fear like, oh, I, I don't want 'em to make mistakes.
[00:17:26] Like mistakes are opportunities to learn. Yes. But then when they're making mistakes, it's like, oh my God, they're ruining their life. We start to worry about the future. And then we bring all of that energy, all of that worry and fear. We bring all of that energy into our interaction with our kids, and we try and connect and solve problems.
[00:17:49] But the energy behind it is, I don't believe you're capable. Let me tell you what to do. I know better than you know, so just listen to me. These mistakes are going to ruin your life. You can't handle this. You need to avoid hard experiences and you're never getting it together like clearly, right? We don't say these things out loud to our kids, but energetically, our beliefs, the place that we're coming from with some of the ways that we respond to them.
[00:18:21] That is the energy that we're bringing. And is it any wonder that our kids, our teens and tweens, wanna keep their door closed? They don't wanna talk to us. They don't wanna fill us in on what's going on in their life. I mean, come on. They feel this energy, they feel. Our beliefs about them and why would anyone want to engage with someone who time after time has made them feel less than worse, incapable, right?
[00:18:51] None of us wanna interact with those people.
[00:19:02] A classic quote from Jane Nelson is Kids do better when they feel better, right? It comes straight out of the OG Positive Discipline book. The whole quote is, where do we ever get the crazy idea that in order for kids to do better, first they need to feel worse? Kids do better when they feel better. And when we think about that, kids do better, when they feel better.
[00:19:24] What does that mean? Well, I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean, okay. So we just need to coddle them and get in the way of life unfolding for our kids. It doesn't mean that we do for them and swoop in and hold them small and incapable. It doesn't mean that we don't have expectations or accountability for them.
[00:19:45] It doesn't mean. We look for how to make life easy. That is not what kids do better when they feel better means right. Kids just like us feel better when they are encouraged, empowered, when they feel capable and confident and courageous. Part of the path is for their parents to believe these things about them so that they can believe these things about themselves, right?
[00:20:15] So they can believe too. We get to try on some new beliefs, truly right, and take them from the head to the heart. And these beliefs could sound like, I trust the process of my child's life unfolding. Their mistakes are giving them opportunities to learn. My kids are capable. They can handle what they're going through.
[00:20:38] Life skills are developed through experience. Everything is going to work out even if I don't know how or what that looks like. Right. That's a big one. That last one, everything is gonna work out even if I don't know how or what that looks like. How would those beliefs influence the way you responded to your kiddo?
[00:21:02] Right. I mean, think about that. Think about your child right now. The one that's tough. If you have more than one and there's the one kid that is sending you to the podcast, think about that kid and bring them to mind. Visualize them. Take a deep breath and really, I want you to see this child in your mind's eye.
[00:21:27] If you are not driving or you know, doing anything that you need your eyes open for. Close your eyes for a second. I. See your child and listen to my words and imagine that they are yours. Okay? This one, this kiddo of mine, they are so capable of moving through what they're going through right now. They are learning so many important lessons through this experience.
[00:21:57] Lessons I could never give them. I can't know the gift of this time of their life, but I know that gifts will be revealed. This one, this kiddo of mine, they're gonna be okay and they are offering me so much growth and expansion. I am open to learning from them. So keep breathing and sitting with that.
[00:22:23] What happens for you? When you decide to believe that your kiddo's gonna be okay, what happens for you? What if you believe that and trust that? And yeah, I'm not saying that they aren't gonna make mistakes, they're gonna make a ton of mistakes. So did we. They're gonna have shitty relationships and experiences, so did we.
[00:22:50] They're probably gonna have loads of regrets. So did we. All the things they will have to live through hard things, as did we. And this is what grows them and keeps their evolution going, right? So check your beliefs, my friends, when you react to your child and you will. 'cause we all do that. Start checking in and asking yourself, what is the belief I'm holding that is motivating me to respond this way?
[00:23:25] Right? And you might find some really interesting things. Sit with that question, what is the belief I'm holding that's motivating me to respond this way? And don't take the first thought that comes up as your truth. Peel back some layers. Be ready to be honest with yourself. Be ready to recognize that there's plenty that's been passed down that is a part of the fabric of who we are that we might not even realize.
[00:23:52] You know, and I've talked about this on the pod, when Rowan dropped outta school, I didn't realize how deeply conditioned I was to connect school slash education with value as a human. Right. That was something that was passed on to me and that made it really difficult, especially at the beginning, to be with her side road, what felt like a side road.
[00:24:17] It really was just the non-traditional pathway of education. I had to do a lot of work to get to the place that recognized, oh, this is the belief that is getting in the way of me being in acceptance around a new possibility for her. An alternative possibility. I. So you really have to peel back the layers and you might be thinking, I know some of you are out there, but I don't believe my kids are capable, Casey, I don't believe my kid is capable.
[00:24:47] Right? You might have one that's really struggling and maybe it's a middle schooler, maybe it's post high school, maybe it's a young adult, and you know, looking at the evidence, it might feel like, holy cow, how will they ever make it? Right? I don't think they have the skills to make it happen. I. I hear you, and I've heard this right?
[00:25:09] I've heard this from you, and so is your kiddo. Maybe not in the exact language that you're using when you share it with me, but they are picking up on your energy. Make no mistake, it is happening. This belief simply isn't useful, and that's what I'm here to say. If you want your teen or tween to continue to grow into capable, confident people, you have to believe that it's possible.
[00:25:35] You have to, right? So shift it up. Internal dialogue might sound like, oh geez, here we go. I gotta get in here, I gotta fix this. I gotta control this. I gotta interrupt this. Okay, wait, hold up. What if I put on this, I believe my kid is capable belief. Like Casey said, how would I respond if that was my belief?
[00:25:57] Right. Start there. Which, you know, we talked about this I think last week. You know, anytime we are pivoting in how we're showing up, we've got it. Slow it down. Take that pause, look for that space to show up differently, and that's where you say, okay, new belief. My kid is capable. They are capable. They are capable.
[00:26:21] Right? You might need to say it. A lot of times they are capable. So if that's true, how do I wanna respond to this particular challenge that's showing up? And you, you know, with this practice, you might have some things to clean up. So check in with your kiddo if you have been really critical. If you do believe like, oh God, I have been sending that message, or you're not sure if you've been sending that message, go to the source.
[00:26:49] Go to your kiddo. Say, Hey, listen to this podcast today. I'm really curious about your experience of me. Does it feel like I believe in you? Does it feel like I believe that you've got this, that you're capable? And listen to them, right? Listen to them, and then own it. Like, yeah, I hear you and I get that, and I'm sorry that I've made you feel that way in the past.
[00:27:15] Right? So you make it right, and then you get to let them know. I am working on developing new beliefs. 'cause I do believe in you. I do believe you're capable, right? And so what I'm gonna work on is aligning my actions and how I interact with you with that belief, right? And then follow through and practice even when it's hard.
[00:27:40] Follow through and practice. And I'm gonna tell you something. Sweet, sweet listener of mine. I'm gonna tell you something 'cause I think that this is important for you to hear. I believe in you. I know that you are capable of being who your kids need you to be. Your parenting skills are developed and fine tuned in the interactions you're having with your tweens and teens, especially when it's hard.
[00:28:11] I trust the process and I know that you are all going to be okay listener. I believe that your mistakes are opportunities to learn too. You get to be confident and capable too. I see you. You've got this, you've got this. You're not alone. You're not traveling this path alone. Alright, so come hang out with us.
[00:28:37] Come hang out with us in the Facebook group. Joyful courage for parents of teens. Follow me on social media. Join the newsletter. Come be a part of the membership that's gonna open up again in July. Get on the wait list for that. You don't have to do this alone. There are so many other parents that are walking this path and working on these beliefs and believing in each other, right?
[00:29:00] And being the support that each one of them needs. So yeah, what do you think about that? That's what I got for you today. Here are your prompts. Here are some journal prompts or just thoughtful prompts. Whatever you wanna do with these prompts. I'm gonna post them in the Facebook group as I do first one always.
[00:29:19] What are your takeaways as you listened to this episode? What were those moments where you were like, oh, I gotta pause that and write that down. What were your big takeaways and take a moment or many when you really sit with your reaction to what is currently hard with your teen right now. What are the beliefs that you're finding behind your response?
[00:29:41] And third prompt, how would trying on a more useful belief inform how you respond in the future? Right? I can't wait to hear your thoughts about this. I'm really stoked about this topic. Again, don't forget to sign up for my newsletter by going to be s spreadable.com. Leave a review of the pod if you loved it on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen.
[00:30:06] Take care of you, my friend. Drink some water, take a walk, go sit in nature. Keep leaning into the practice. I see you and I'll be with you again soon. Have a beautiful day. Bye.
[00:30:24] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sproutable partners, Julietta and Alanna. Thank you, Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at PodShaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good as I mentioned. Sharing is caring.
[00:30:41] If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay connected at be sproutable.com.
[00:31:02] I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.