Eps 625: Revisiting building the house of Positive Discipline as parents of teens

When I initially recorded this show, Joyful Courage was feeling my feet and staying in the possibility of THIS moment. Today this rings true as well… Staying in the POSSIBILITY of this moment – staying with what can be created, what I want to create. Being intentional about how I am experiencing my experiences. It is so simple and so DEEP.

Podcast Episodes Referenced:

• Episode 480 – Examining our beliefs
• Episode 279 – Making agreements with teens
• An interview with Elizabeth Brenner from Stereotype Kids

Downloadable Resources:

• Family Meeting Guide –

Programs/Offerings:

• Living Joyful Courage Coaching Week – happening first week of December at besproutable.com/ljccoachweek ($37)
• Six-week class – where you present the House of Positive Discipline on week one
• Living Joyful Courage Membership
• Explore Call – 15-minute call available at besproutable.com/explore

Book:

• Joyful Courage: Calming the Drama and Taking Control of YOUR Parenting Journey by Casey O’Roarty

Transcription

JC Ep 625 (11.13.25) - Final
[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement in the messy terrain of adolescents this season of parenting. Is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:00:30] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:00:53] I've been working with parents and families for over 20 years. And continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:01:13] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show. Hey. Hi friends. I am so excited to be sharing this show with you again. I just went on a walk with my dog, Daisy, and I listened to it and it holds up. I recorded this show in June of 2024, and it really captures the layered work of creating the home environment or the container.
[00:01:44] For raising teens in a way that amplifies and elevates the possibility of their optimal growth. How's that for a mouthful? Amplifies and elevates the possibility of their optimal growth. I mean, isn't that really what we're trying to do here? Isn't that the purpose of parenting? Not only that, parenting with this type of intention and consciousness also is part of amplifying and elevating our personal growth, right?
[00:02:18] The adult's personal growth and spoiler alert. This is the purpose of life. Believe whatever story or religion that you want. The bottom line is we're here to grow and expand into our highest possibility. To be conscious, to be intentional about our words, and our thoughts and our actions, to spend as much time as we can.
[00:02:44] In the experiences of connection and love and joy, generating that for ourselves, generating that for the people around us. Yes, please. Yes, please. I'm into it. So yeah, this show talks about the environment that we're creating. I make lots of references. FYI to other episodes and programs that I have going on.
[00:03:06] So again, keep in mind this was recorded in June of 2024. So I do mention one particular workshop that I'm doing that night. Obviously it's already happened, however. I am always creating new possibilities and situations for, you know, there is probably something going on that's new if you're listening in real time in November of 2025 when this show goes live.
[00:03:34] Again, you've probably already heard me talk about this, but I'm gonna say it. I have the Living Joyful Courage Coaching Week happening. The first week of December. I am so excited for this offer. Check it out. Be spr.com/ljc. Coach week, all one word. It's gonna be phenomenal. It's time enroll. It's super cheap too.
[00:03:59] It's like $37, which doesn't mean that the program isn't going to deliver. The program's actually gonna over deliver. I just wanted to break down all the barriers so that it was an easy yes for you to jump in and really. Marinate in how I work with people. I want you to check it out. I want you to be able to take a baby step in and have your world rocked.
[00:04:19] So yeah, yeah, go to beasts brattle.com, LJC coach week for that. I will make sure that all the links from this show and, um, resources that they're all in the show notes. So don't panic, just listen through. Know that you can go to the show notes and get the links that you need. Or you know, if you wanna go deeper with anything, check in with me.
[00:04:40] Shoot me an email. Let's get on a call. Okay? I believe in you. I believe in you. I'll know. I know. I believe that you will take from this replay exactly what you need today and you know where to find me if you have any follow up questions. All right? Okay. Let's get on with it. Enjoy the show peeps.
[00:05:06] Well, hello there. Hi, everybody. Back again. Back together again with a solo episode. Just you and me. Did you listen to this week's interview with Elizabeth Brenner from Stereotype Kids? I just loved that convo. I re-listened to it over the weekend and just thought about how brilliant Elizabeth is. I so appreciate.
[00:05:39] Her inspiration, her experience with her kids, inspiring her clothing line and just our whole conversation around inclusivity in fashion was really interesting and some other things I appreciated was her talking about unlearning societal norms that aren't actually normal. And checking in with where our fears are coming from.
[00:06:06] I loved how she talked about allowing space for our kids to live in their joy and letting our kids take the lead and how they express themselves. You know, and we talked about how, you know, our fears around expression get in the way, not so much. And she speaks into this with her experience, not so much with our girls.
[00:06:28] Dressing more tomboy-ish, right? And kind of sliding on the spectrum towards a more masculine look. But man, there's a lot of fears when it's our boys expressing more feminine and sliding down the continuum towards more feminine styles. And it shouldn't be that way, right? The world should be a place that is loving and accepting, and it made me think, as I was prepping for this podcast and reflecting on my conversation with Elizabeth, it made me think about how black families have to have a talk with their kids about how to present.
[00:07:04] In the world, right? How to present in the world, what to do when they get pulled over. And of course we all have conversations with our kids about how to navigate the world, but there is an extra layer that happens for our families of color because racism exists. It would be lovely to live in a world where it doesn't, but the reality is that it does.
[00:07:23] And so we need to prepare our kids to live inside of that world. It makes me think about my conversations, and I mentioned this in the podcast on Monday. With Rowan about how she dresses, how she presents herself out in the world. And yes, it should be that she is safe, like safety should be a given and it's not right.
[00:07:41] It's not. There are bigots and assholes. That exist, unfortunately, and we can hold a vision for a better world. A safe world, a place where we can all be in our fullest expression and be accepted, right? Parental fear is real, and it's really important to be clear on where it's coming from. 'cause the bottom line is that every kid needs to feel valued and accepted in their home.
[00:08:07] If we want them to develop an intrinsic sense of worth and enoughness, then home must be where that exists. And that kind of goes back to that own unlearning and our own reflection on just what's going on with us when we're reactive and responding to our kids and how they. Expressing themselves. So I just really loved that conversation with Elizabeth.
[00:08:31] If you haven't listened to it, I highly recommend it. And you know, it got me thinking too about, I'm thinking a lot about this big power workshop that I have tonight. I'm recording this on the Tuesday before the show. This podcast goes live, and I've got a big workshop tonight, summer solutions, routines, and systems for keeping our kids safe and having fun this summer.
[00:08:56] It's so interesting when I create a workshop, I, there's some things that I want, right? Like I want the time to be super engaging and valuable. I mean, we've all signed up for webinars and workshops and moved through it and been like, Hmm, great. Okay. I didn't really, there was a lot of fluff there, but not a lot that I can really sink my teeth into and integrate.
[00:09:17] Into my daily life, and that is something that I don't want to happen for people that do my workshops. I want them to feel excited and empowered and ready to have some really tangible things to put into play. So I want parents to have something to take away and apply immediately. I want to land the power.
[00:09:39] Of transparency and authenticity. You know, that's kind of my operating system. Transparent and authentic. I really value transparency and authenticity, and I think that when we're parenting teenagers and tween ages, transparency and authenticity is everything. Everything right. It's keeping it real. Listen, I wish there was a magic wand.
[00:10:04] Every time I plan a workshop, I'm thinking to myself, God, it'd be so great to have like a two step, three step, four part formula. Like, just do this and you'll get what you want. But. Really, ultimately, we're in a long game here with our adolescents, right? And we are, as I talk about a lot here on the pod, we're looking ahead, we're parenting for that future, right?
[00:10:29] How it is now is not how it will always be, and our kids aren't really in skill and self-development right now. So they're in the process of transforming into who they will be. As they make their way out in the world, when they make their way out in the world, they will continue to transform based on the experiences and relationships that they have.
[00:10:51] Right? Have you ever done an online workshop? Oftentimes there's like a tease or a sales pitch. They give you just enough and. A lot of times too, there's a lot of people in these workshops and not a lot of interaction with the facilitator. The facilitator is more of a presenter and you know, until Oprah calls, I am still very available and approachable and I actually like it that way.
[00:11:18] There is no pedestal that I'm putting myself on over here. I am in it with you. I'm rolling around in the experience of raising adolescents with you. My kids might be older or a bit younger, but this is absolutely a collective experience, even with the special, unique details that we all get to call. Our own.
[00:11:39] So yeah, creating workshops. I really wanna keep this idea of the house of positive discipline alive. If you've done a workshop with me, this is familiar. In my six week class, I always present it on the first week because you know, when we're thinking about parenting, whether the theme is. You know, screens, which it will be next month in July.
[00:12:04] I'm doing a power workshop around screens or routines or relationship or risky behavior or whatever, right? Whatever like the hook is, whatever the theme of the workshop is. You know, there are some big pieces. When I do work with parents that are presented, right, and it's like building a house. Building a house, and at the very foundation there's the personal growth and development of the parent.
[00:12:33] On top of that is relationship on top of that system and routines on top of that. Are those in the moment tools. And we really have to build this house of positive discipline from the ground up. And that's what I'm gonna talk about today. That's the topic for today's podcast. So welcome. So glad that you're here.
[00:12:54] If this is something you've heard me talk about before, you are so lucky that you get to hear it again, and hopefully in a new and different way, cementing it in, reminding you, giving you lots of, oh yeah, I really like this. And if this is new, you know, pay attention and know that you'll take away what you're meant to take away.
[00:13:11] Right. At the base of this building, a house of positive discipline that is that foundation, right? Like I just mentioned, and to me, the foundation for moving through parenting in general, specifically for us, you know, the teen years, the tween years, middle high school, beyond young adults, baby adults, that.
[00:13:35] 11 to 25 period. The most critical piece, in my opinion, is the personal growth and development of the parent. And this is a tricky place to start, right? But without it, everything we build on top of it is, is a little shaky, a little vulnerable. And you know, it's not a popular place to start in the parenting conversation because.
[00:13:59] Parents feel called out, right? Adults. I think if you haven't had an experience in your life where you realize, oh, I could use some more personal growth and development, you know, then this might be the wake up call for you and it's can be jarring, right? And maybe there's just been a lack of self-awareness, just simply because you haven't done the work of personal growth.
[00:14:24] But personal growth is everything. When we're talking about relationships with our kids and holding space in a container and the environment that our kids need to thrive, right? We are a part of the dynamic that we are experiencing with our teenagers, and we have been a part of the dynamic since day one, since the first day these kids came into our lives.
[00:14:50] And our willingness to shift, change, grow, develop, it creates a ripple effect into the experiences that we're having. Right? And the more that we know and understand ourselves, the stronger that foundation of what we're creating is, the better we can hold what we are trying to build. Right? And there's lots of ways.
[00:15:18] To increase our personal growth and development to focus in there. There's therapy, there's coaching, there's energy work, different kinds of self-care, journaling, meditating, whatever works for you to explore your internal experience and make sense of what you've been through and where your beliefs come from.
[00:15:40] Is gonna be useful, right? And if you go back to episode four 80, I dig deep into examining our beliefs. So I encourage you to go back to that and you know, there's plenty and you might be someone who's listening thinking like, oh, no way. I'm not gonna dig into my stuff. But I promise you, digging into your stuff and making sense of your experiences.
[00:16:03] Through life making sense of why you are responding or reacting to what your adolescent is going through right now, the way that you're responding and reacting, it is only going to serve you and it's only gonna serve your kiddo. So at the very base of that House of positive discipline is that foundation of personal growth and development.
[00:16:26] I highly recommend, I highly recommend. I love personal growth and development probably too much. Sometimes I need to pull back a little bit and be like, okay, I don't need to analyze every single thing about myself. And when I do, when I get curious, there's always something to learn. There's always a small shift that I can make that makes such a profound difference.
[00:16:50] For example, this last weekend, Ian graduated from high school. Woo-hoo. My dad and my stepmom and my mom all came up for the weekend and they were here. My dad and my stepmom don't visit that often, and I have very long held beliefs and patterns that I fall into with them. No fault of theirs. They are consistent.
[00:17:13] They show up the way that they show up, and it is consistent. I am quick to slide into my 17-year-old self and wallow away in needing to be seen, needing to have a sense of worth come from them. I get frantic. I get like. You know, I just fall into some stuff and so this weekend, by the way, I'm 50, right?
[00:17:38] Get over it. But this weekend I decided, you know what? I am going to be my fully realized 50-year-old self. I love who I am. I might have talked about this on the podcast last week. I appreciate who I am and I'm so glad that my parents get to experience my family. Who are amazing humans, right? And I just going into the weekend with a intention of being in the present made a huge difference in the experience that I had with them.
[00:18:10] It was really nice.
[00:18:20] So personal growth and development Foundation, right? As we're building the house of positive discipline and thinking about, you know, how do we turn this into something that feels good and connected and useful for all of us? The next layer on top of personal growth and development is relationship, relationship, relationship, relationship, focusing on relationship.
[00:18:41] It's where we start. And where we end. It's everything, right? And most parenting problems are relationship problems. When I get calls and work with one-on-one clients in the membership in Facebook group, you know when you dig into the problems that we're having, the challenges that are showing up with our adolescents, and you dig and you dig and you dig, you find that this is a relationship issue.
[00:19:07] Right. There's a lack of communication. There's misinterpretation, there's messaging, unintentional messaging, and again, yeah, we're a part of it. Parenting is relational. How our kids feel in relationship with us influences their beliefs and their decisions. Right on this level. We get to remember and really lean into encouragement, into having faith in our kids into trust, right?
[00:19:38] And again, as I say, when I talk about trust, I'm not talking about trusting that our kids are gonna always do the right thing, even when no one's looking. That's not what I'm talking about. But really trusting the process, trusting their process, trusting their journey, trusting our journey. Right. Trusting that relationship matters.
[00:20:00] Right? And you know, when you think about how do we influence that relational environment as we're building this house of positive discipline, what is the relational environment and how can we impact it? One thing I talk to a lot of parents about is cleaning things up. I've talked about it on the podcast too, making amends and then following through.
[00:20:21] So, hey, it's been really control. I've been really controlling, or I've been really micromanaging, or I've been on your case about this thing, or I've been nagging. What are you noticing about yourself and how you are showing up to the relationship with your teenager? What can you own? And what are you willing to work on, right?
[00:20:39] So making those repairs and then actually doing what you say you're gonna do. So if you're gonna say to your kiddo, I am going to pull back on the nagging, I am going to let go and really let this be your experience, then you have to pull back on the nagging, let go and let it be their experience, because lip service won't get you anywhere with anyone, especially with teenagers.
[00:21:04] And over time they hear that, oh, this is what I'm working on. And then they don't see you working on it. And so what starts to happen is they don't believe you. They don't trust you to do what you say. They just know we're in this pattern and it's always gonna be this way. So making amends, doing what you say you're gonna do.
[00:21:23] Another way to impact the relational environment is to really work on. The one-on-one time you're having with your adolescent and making sure that there's one-on-one time outside of whatever the challenge is. So not bringing up, you know, the dr the school drama, not bringing up the risky behavior. Not bringing up how messy their room is, but instead using it to be near them.
[00:21:49] Right to connect. Watch a show, asks to sit down in their room for a few minutes. Just be close to them. Take them out for a smoothie or an ice cream or a movie. And I know I can hear you say, yeah, that'd be great if they'd let me. Well get creative. Keep asking, right? And when those opportunities show up, go all in.
[00:22:11] Don't be desperate, but you know, I mean, go all in. As far as staying away from. What's challenging and leaning into who is this kid of yours, right? What is there to learn about them in this special time that you're spending with them? Accept and be curious about what they're interested in. You guys have heard me talk about all the rap documentaries I watch.
[00:22:34] It's true acceptance and curiosity. Even if there's stuff that you don't get, like I don't understand. Tell me more about that. Show me that. I love it when I watch some really silly YouTube channels with Ian. I really liked when she'd let me, I'd be like, let me watch you scroll through Instagram, like what comes up in your algorithm?
[00:22:56] Right? Even though social media boo, we gotta meet them where they're at, right? And not be judgmental about what they're interested in, but be curious. Right. Be present. We influence the relational space when we put down what we're doing when they wanna connect with us and drop right in. Right? And I already said this one being transparent and real.
[00:23:20] Pull back the curtain, cut the bullshit. Because ultimately, right, when we can say to our kiddos, ultimately you get to decide this. And ultimately you're designing your life, right? But I am here for you. I'm here to support Cheerlead. I have ideas and thoughts when you're interested in listening to them.
[00:23:40] So being transparent and real. And you know, it could also sound like, listen, we all live here. We all have to take care of our stuff, right? There's this special thing that happens. You know, Ian, it's not like I have kids that are super stoked about chores. I don't. I have a kid who leaves his stuff everywhere.
[00:23:59] Just like your kid. It happens, right? And so, you know, I hear from clients, oh, they won't help. They just won't help. So there's this place though, that we can go in relationship where we can be like, really? Like you're just gonna leave all your shit on the counter and not, and expect me to do it. There's this place where we can kind of find them and be like, let's just really look at the reality of this situation.
[00:24:25] And they can see the. The ridiculousness of what's happening, right? We get to be in our lightness. We get to bring some humor, and you know, it's not sarcastic, it's not hurtful, but it is real, right? It's real. And speaking of real, when we're having conversations that are difficult with our kiddos, we've gotta pay attention to our tone.
[00:24:46] This is something that's come up in the last few days in the membership, but it comes up a lot when I'm talking to parents. On our coaching calls, and they're expressing how they feel and the way that they talk to their kids, and I think to myself, like, God, it's really whiny, or it sounds kind of desperate.
[00:25:03] You're really sending a message in the tone that you're bringing to the conversation. And this is a place that overlaps with personal development because this is a place where we get to be real honest with ourselves and listen to ourselves and decide, Hmm, how might I be coming across to my kiddo? Like what is the messaging that's showing up in my tone is, does it match my words?
[00:25:27] If we're coming in with curiosity and we're coming in really wanting to hand over the energetic ball of responsibility, what is the tone of our voice saying? What is the tone of our voice? You know, offering, what's our facial expression offering? What is our body posture offering? So it's this whole body experience, right?
[00:25:46] And we influence this relational space, this relational layer as well, when everyone's voice and experience is valued. Right. Tell me about that. Tell me about that. Tell me about what was going on for you. And we're gonna get into that in a moment when we are collaborative. In looking for solutions to the problems that we're having, to the challenges that are showing up, and when we practice mutual respect.
[00:26:12] This is a big relational piece, and remember, mutual respect is I'm gonna respect myself and this situation at hand, while also respecting the person in front of me, so I'm not gonna be a jerk. I'm not gonna be condescending or make assumptions or, you know, have any kind of judgmental, I mean, this is hard for me, this one, 'cause I definitely like the conversation around tone.
[00:26:38] I sent all sorts of messages with my tone and it's not respectful. It's rude. It's rude, so I get to pay attention to that. I also get to respect myself in the situation, which means I do get to lean into some firmness, even when it's uncomfortable. Right. So we've got the personal growth and development layer.
[00:26:56] We've got the relationship layer and then on top of relationship is systems and routines. Right. What are the systems and routines? What are the norms in your family? Yeah. Things tend to fall apart when they enter the teen years. So when my kids were school age and even through middle school, man, we were on.
[00:27:16] Especially like after dinner routine. That was a well-oiled machine. We would all eat together. Remember those days, I'm sure some of you are still doing a really good job on the family meals that has fallen apart over here. We would all eat together and then everybody would get up and everybody knew what they needed to do and there was a system, there was a routine.
[00:27:36] The kids were involved and then they became teenagers and I don't know what happened. Things kind of fell apart. Schedules got kind of wonky and then the pandemic. Yes, the pandemic sent us all into disarray, or at least many of us. Is it still possible to bring back the systems and routines? Yeah, absolutely.
[00:27:55] It's still possible. I mean, it's about, I. Having conversations, it's about requesting everybody have a seat and talking about what's not working, right? It's about asking for help, asking for support, again, looking for solutions. How do you and your family communicate about plans and schedules? What does that look like?
[00:28:17] Right. And honestly we do a lot of this conversation via text, right? We do a lot via text. What are the rhythms that are going on during your day and, and right now as this podcast comes out, we're transitioning from school into summer. And so this is a great time. This is something we're talking about in the power workshop tonight.
[00:28:37] What are the rhythms during the day, right? And where can we. Create some, some clarity around the rhythms. Where can we be intentional with the rhythms versus reactive or responsive and just like kind of a leaf in the wind, right? You don't have to be rigid about this, but when we have some rhythm and routine and systems.
[00:29:00] It provides something that we can kind of hold onto, that we can lean on that contains Right. And some systems that I love, family meetings, you know, in my family we know how to do family meetings. We're inconsistent about how often we're doing it. But when it's like, okay, tonight's a family meeting night, everybody knows the routine of it.
[00:29:20] Right? Agreements, we have a, you know, there's the formal four step process to making an agreement. But because we've been doing it so much in our family, it's really just about collaborative communication. It's less formal, but it's absolutely our norm. We listen to each other. We stay focused on solutions.
[00:29:38] We look for win-wins. We figure out a way to make things work, right? That's part of systems and routines, and these two things are really big. If you haven't downloaded my family Meeting guide, go to be sprout.com/family-meeting. And you can get your own family meeting guide. And I did a whole episode about making agreements 2 79 that you can go back to and check out.
[00:30:04] But these are two really powerful systems that have been really useful in our family. And again, it's gonna serve us, you know, as we create these systems and routines. When we're doing our personal growth work, when we're focusing on relationship, this is big. This is all like part of the soup of this house of positive discipline, right?
[00:30:26] And systems and routines, support relationship. They're offering a space for encouragement and autonomy and voice. And sovereignty and how we show up to these conversations can strengthen yes, relationship, but also, like I said, it gives us an arena for really integrating our self-awareness. So everything feeds into each other.
[00:30:50] And it's so funny, somebody asked me like, I just wish I could stay calm during family meetings. And I was like, you know what? Most of my time at a family meeting is spent like just really being intentional about my own self-regulation. 'cause it never really plays out the way I want it to play out. It's always kind of annoying, right?
[00:31:07] And so again, I get to practice and integrate the tools that I know, help me stay present, stay calm, stay regulated.
[00:31:24] Another system that is something that I hear a lot about from parents is contributions, and I already said a little bit about this, but I will come back to it. This is a big piece and a place where there's a lot of angst. It is absolutely appropriate for your child to be contributing to the household, helping out in some way.
[00:31:43] As they get older, they absolutely need to be taking care of their own stuff. Their own stuff being their room, their laundry, their dishes, their bathroom, things in the communal space. Yes, yes, yes, yes. An extra thing, an extra job, or two. Sure. How is it serving their life skills? Can you change it up? Right?
[00:32:07] Can you collaborate on what they want to do versus what you don't want them to do? Right. And you know, like I think about rooms, there's a lot of thoughts about them and their rooms, right? Some parents are really rigid about what room cleanup looks like. Some parents are more loose. You get to decide what works for you.
[00:32:29] Listen, no bugs, no ruined carpet or walls, no mold, right? If we can avoid that, great. But whose mess is it? Right? Their room is their room. It's annoying. It's hard to look at. We see that their life would be so much easier if they would just tidy it up. I get all of that. I get all of that and whose mess is it?
[00:32:49] It's their mess. Right? And full transparency. I'm pretty hands off with the room these days and. Every once in a while I'm like, Hey, you know what? You're gonna need to clean up your room. But my son also does it on his own. He likes it when his room's tidy and he's busy and it's low priority, so it gets pretty messy.
[00:33:11] Where can you loosen up a bit around the rooms? Where can you offer some support? How can you avoid making it a power struggle? Right? That's key. That's key. So the systems and routines, you know, are part of this structure, this house of positive discipline. Absolutely. And finally, the top layer. Are those positive discipline tools, right?
[00:33:33] Those in the moment tools, and I think probably one of the most important in the moment tools is the ability to be in the present moment, right? To find your feet, to do whatever you need to do to maintain your groundedness, especially when things start to go a little bit sideways, right? Or your kids get in your face, so your work, right, which also overlaps with personal growth and development, but it's also an in the moment tool.
[00:34:00] Finding your feet, right? Breath, body, balcony thinking tree. Those are some of the things that we talk about in positive discipline, being kind and firm, remembering kindness and firmness at the same time. There's this awesome activity called I Love You, and the answer is no. Right? Strong back, soft front.
[00:34:18] That's from Brene Brown. I love that. I did a whole pod. I think about that. I love you, and the answer is no. I see that you wanna do this and it's not gonna work this time. Firmness is okay, right? Firmness isn't a bad thing. Firmness is not about being angry or hurtful. Firmness is just no right. Firmness is just holding the line while also being kind and connected.
[00:34:47] And there's some movement in firmness. It's not rigid. Right? It's not rigid. It's simply, I mean, to me, when I'm gonna be firm about something, it always leads back to safety, health, and wellbeing. Right. Some other tools, curiosity that leads to critical thinking could sound like. Tell me more about that. How did that end up working out for you?
[00:35:07] What was going on when you made that choice? How might you make things right. And notice those questions. Really working on my tone. Really working on coming from a place of neutral, coming from a place of non-judgment, not leading the witness, not looking for a particular answer, but simply planting the seeds of critical thinking.
[00:35:28] 'cause I want my kids, as they move into young adulthood and into adulthood, to be reflective and think to themselves, oh, how did that work out for me last time? Why did I make that choice? What was going on for me? What do I need to do now to make things right? I want those to be their questions. So I get to prompt the settling in of the critical thinking by being the external voice of critical thinking now, right?
[00:35:52] Don't back, talk back. That's one of our tools and in the moment tool, it's an actual tool. And I think I'm gonna do a show about it in the future because man, we get hooked into the backtalk and man, our teens can really deliver it. I know they get pissed and they're not afraid to let loose. Right.
[00:36:13] Ultimately, they're hurting. So remembering the iceberg is really important, and when we can remember to lean into what's happening under the surface, we're not making it worse by meeting their backtalk with our own backtalk, right? Another in the moment tool. Decide what you'll do and follow through boundaries versus expectations, right?
[00:36:34] What are your personal boundaries? What do you stand for? Where do you draw the line and follow through? Right? Personal boundaries are about controlling ourselves, right? Personal boundaries are about what I'm willing to take and what I'm not willing to take. Expectations are more about the other person.
[00:36:56] Are your expectations clear? Are they reasonable? And again, what does follow through look like? And when I say follow through, it's not about punishment, right? It's about natural consequences. It's about curiosity and checking in. It's not about punishment. And you know, privilege, and I've talked about this before, privilege comes with responsibility and sometimes our kids show us that some of the privileges that they have, it's too much because they're not showing up in the responsibility.
[00:37:30] So what can you control? Ultimately, when it comes to privilege and responsibility, you can control the car keys, you can control, you know, if you're giving your kids allowance. So funny story, my son, who's 18 now, has discovered the casino and he actually goes with his best friend and his best friend's.
[00:37:50] Grandma Nana, to the local casino. She loves to take the boys. She gives them each 20 bucks and she plays lots and it's fun for her and it's fun for them. And so he's gone a couple times on his own and he works and he gets a little bit of an allowance from us. And I told him, if you are gambling, I am not gonna give you an allowance because to me, I don't wanna fund gambling.
[00:38:17] And two, if you're gambling, I want you to feel the tension of losing your own money because you know it's a slippery slope. It's not something that I support, I don't value gambling. And it's fine if you do it, but I'm not gonna give you allowance if you're gonna be gambling. You know? And it was cool. We had a good conversation about it and he got it right.
[00:38:37] Screen access. What is the plan that your kid's on? Are they overusing? Are they misusing? You have some control over the access that they have to screens right? Again, though, we don't wanna make it a power struggle. And that's, I get it. I know it's tricky, and especially with the screens, it's such a nightmare.
[00:38:58] But all of this sits on top of personal growth, relationship, and systems, right? So all of these pieces are connected to each other, and I just think when we have that visual of what we're building, the structure that we're trying to hold. The fluidity that we move through amongst the different levels of the structure.
[00:39:22] I think it's just really helpful. I know it's helpful for me and it's really messy. I wish it was neat and tidy. I mean, oh my God, it would be so great to have a five step formula to make everything neat and tidy and you know, there are people who have written books and laid out this simple, here's what you do, follow this plan.
[00:39:43] But you and I know that the reality of raising teenagers is much more nuanced, right? That's why we read a book. Even if it's a fantastic book, we still get to the end and think, yeah, but ah, this is tough. Or even a podcast, right? I know you listen to my podcast and you're like, okay, this was useful, and how do I do it?
[00:40:06] Well, I will say coaching's really helpful. So if you wanna get on an explore call with me to go next level, be s spreadable.com/explore. You can set up a 15 minute call with me. I'd love that. Or you can just talk amongst your friends, right? Try to piece this apart, notice the nuances, and look for things that are useful to you, right?
[00:40:27] What spoke to you. Our kids are on their own journey. I say this every week, so are we, we get to create a container. That's what this is about. That is supportive for their and our continued growth and development. Right? So I think keeping this idea of the house of positive discipline in mind is really helpful.
[00:40:48] And it's like Jenga. One missing piece doesn't make it all come tumbling down. However, there are always places we can strengthen things, right? The structure supports itself in a lot of ways. All the parts are connected to the other parts, and we can make it a habit to notice places where we can tighten things up, right?
[00:41:13] Speaking of which, what are your takeaways? Which layer is calling to you? Is it your personal growth and your own inner experience? That could use a little bit of work? Is it the relationship with your kiddo? Is it systems and routines? Is it in the moment tools? And I know you might be like, I got work to do in all of those places.
[00:41:32] Well, where do you wanna start? Right? Where do you wanna start? What is one thing that you're willing to practice starting today? Those are my prompts for you.
[00:41:46] Thanks for hanging out with me, as you do. I so appreciate it. I love spending time creating these podcasts for you. I love it when you reach out and let me know that they've made an impact, so keep doing that. Send me direct messages on social, send me an email, [email protected]. It's good. I appreciate you write a review in Apple Podcast.
[00:42:11] Let me know that the show is. Supporting you. Okay. I'll be here next week with a new show on Thursday and a new interview. I appreciate you. Drink some water, take a walk, go out in nature. Breathe. Feel your feet. I'll see you soon. Peaces out.
[00:42:35] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners. Julietta and Alana, thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps.
[00:42:59] Other parents find this useful content. Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.