Eps 575: Revisiting the 4 steps for being the support your teen needs

Today Joyful Courage is about showing up as my authentic self and knowing that is enough.

Transcription

[00:00:00] Casey O'Roarty: Hey, everyone stopping in here at the top of the show with an update on some things I've been sharing a bit in my newsletter and on social media about my husband's health journey. He was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. In 2020 and after being dormant for about four years, it has returned. Multiple Myeloma is a blood cancer.
[00:00:21] He began treatment for the second round on Monday, and we will be headed into Seattle every Monday through most of the summer, so that the miracle of modern medicine and the brilliance of the minds at Fred Hutch Cancer Research Center. Can bring him back to good health. What this means is that I will have less time to create new content for the podcast, but the good news is I have a massive vault of shows that I've created for you over the last 10 years, and I'm gonna be pulling from them and sharing.
[00:00:53] There will absolutely be new shows coming out too, but as I find my rhythm. I'll be filling in the gaps with some of my favorite episodes. Thank you for all of your love and your understanding. And remember, even if you've listened to a show in the past, it will hit differently, a different time around because you are different.
[00:01:11] You are in a new phase or stage, and I encourage you to lean in with an open mind. I. The joyful courage community is so very special. I know that you're all holding my family in the brightest, most healing light. Thank you. The episode I choose to share this week is one from two years ago, and a great companion to Monday's show about chapter 12 of the Positive Discipline for Teens book.
[00:01:35] Enjoy.
[00:01:43] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Joyful Courage Podcast. This is a place where parents of tweens and teens come to find inspiration, information, and encouragement. In the messy terrain of adolescents, this season of parenting is no joke. And while the details of what we're all moving through might be slightly different, we are indeed having a very collective experience.
[00:02:07] This is a space where we center building, relationship, nurturing life skills, and leaning into our own personal growth and man. The opportunities abound, right. My name is Casey Ody. I am a parent coach, positive discipline lead trainer, and captain of the adolescent ship over at Sprout Bowl. I'm also a speaker and a published author.
[00:02:31] I've been working with parents and families for. Over 20 years and continue to navigate my own experience of being a mom with my two young adult kids. I'm so honored that you're here and listening. Please give back to the podcast by sharing it with friends or on social media rate and review us on Apple or Spotify.
[00:02:50] Word of mouth is how we grow. Thank you so, so much. Enjoy the show. Another Thursday together. So happy about this. Yeah. And guess what? I'm taking a break from the personal growth talk. We're gonna talk specifically about our teens today, and I am gonna move through four steps for being the support that your teen needs.
[00:03:19] I hear it from parents all the time. They say, I don't know what's going on with my kiddo, and they won't talk to me. How hard is that? Right? Like, we know there's something going on and they won't let us in. It's so challenging. And you know, temperamentally, I just wanna remind everybody that temperamentally, there are kids that are more open and outwardly expressive than others, right?
[00:03:47] Add to that, that when a teen feels like they'll be misunderstood, judged, dismissed, they don't believe that it's safe to open up. So when you have a kiddo that isn't super externally expressive, right, and they don't feel safe in the space to be transparent and vulnerable and open up, you know what you've got, there isn't necessarily a behavior problem.
[00:04:17] What you have is a relationship problem, and I think it's important to remember. We're just gonna dive right into this. Okay? I'm gonna dive right into this. I think it's important to remember that our teenagers have been observing us their whole life. I've said this before on the pod. They have been listening to our words, but even more important, they've been watching our actions, right?
[00:04:45] They've been hearing our words, but what's really holding weight is the actions that they've observed us in using throughout the course of their life, right? They see our patterns. They know us, they have our numbers, and they have made judgements about what we can handle. And what they're better off keeping to themselves.
[00:05:08] They have decided what is safe to bring to us and what is not safe, right? They have decided how much grief, criticism, judgment, they're willing to hold, and you know, if. Sharing with us and letting us into their life. If they believe that what they're doing or what they're moving through isn't something that we're going to acknowledge or validate, they're not gonna share it with us.
[00:05:40] Right. They're gonna be better off trying to figure it out on their own. I have talked, I. At length on this podcast about the iceberg metaphor, right? I'm gonna talk about it again 'cause it's important and amazing, and I believe that we can't hear it enough. The iceberg metaphor, the belief behind behavior, also known as the mistaken goals of behavior.
[00:06:04] I have a whole playlist dissecting the beliefs behind the behavior, and I'll put the link in the show notes so you can check it out on Spotify. I've talked a lot about this under the surface of the iceberg. It is so important to go there because behavior makes sense to the person that's engaging in it, right?
[00:06:24] Or another way we put that is often the behavior we see is a solution to a problem that we don't know about, right? So under understanding and keeping in mind, the iceberg becomes really useful when we're not sure what's going on with our kids, or we're feeling stuck or stumped around their behavior, what's going on under the surface.
[00:06:44] So today's show is going to borrow generously from those conversations and bring you back to the practice of keeping it real and transparent with your teenagers. This is what they're looking for. This is what they want from us. They wanna be heard, they wanna be listened to, they want to be in relationship with you, but they're finding it hard, right?
[00:07:09] They're protecting themselves. From criticism and judgment, and so they're building up this wall. I've got four steps today that we're going to play around with to support you in supporting them. I wanna support you in supporting them, and part of that is cracking open relationship and creating space for relationship.
[00:07:33] And the other piece is around being curious about your own patterns and your own emotions around what's going on with your kiddos. And that's where we're gonna start, right? We're gonna start with the information that you have, what is going on with you? So the first step is to recognize and start to really tune into how their behavior is making you feel.
[00:07:59] How their behavior is making you feel. And we are all frustrated, right? Like frustrated absolutely is an experience that we have while raising teenagers, but frustration is just at the surface of the emotional experience that we're having with our kiddos. Right? It's so frustrating. Yes. But we need to go deeper into what we're actually feeling emotionally when we're engaged with our team.
[00:08:28] I. So is what you're moving through right now leaving you feeling like, is it annoying? Is it irritating? Kind of like way I talk about this is, it's like a pesky fly. Like ugh, it's not super charged, right? You're not looking for a fight. You're not super low energy. It's just more of like, uh, here we go again.
[00:08:49] Right? Or is the behavior, is it leaving you feeling challenged? Like, Hey, listen buddy. Oh no, you won't. Or, oh, yes you will. Right? To me, that's like those hackles raised right, and you are ready to fight. You are ready to show them you are the adult. You know, you will do what I say. Or is the behavior leaving you feeling defeated and hurt?
[00:09:16] Like, ugh, like a punch to the gut, like, you can't believe this is happening? How could they? This is often where we start to really lean into maybe some disbelief or disgust. What's the emotion you are feeling based on the behavior that your kiddo is engaging with? Are you feeling really scared and the kind of scared that's like low energy, right?
[00:09:42] Futile, just rung dry. You've got nothing left. You just don't see a way out. So yeah, that first step in collecting the information you have and distilling it down into something that's useful is really pinpointing the emotional experience that you are having based on your kiddos behavior. Our feelings and experiences of our teen's behavior gives us some insight into what's going on with them.
[00:10:12] As anybody who's listened to the Belief behind Behavior Playlist knows we can make some guesses about what their need is based on how their behavior makes us feel. Right. So if you're feeling that annoyance or that irritation, chances are what's happening for your kiddo is they're seeking connection.
[00:10:36] They're feeling disconnected, and they're wanting to reconnect with you. They don't say, Hey, can we reconnect? They do things that are annoying and irritating, and we get to say, Hmm, I'm wondering if you're trying to get my attention here. And there's nothing wrong with trying to get our attention right, but trying to get our attention is the cheap alternative to really feeling connected, right?
[00:10:59] That's ultimately what they want. If you're feeling challenged, we can guess that what your kiddo is experiencing is a lack of power or control over their life, so they're gonna take it where they can get it. If you're feeling really defeated or disgusted, or taking it personally. Chances are there's something going on in your teen's life that hurts them.
[00:11:23] They are hurting, right? And it's really hard to hold hurt, so we tend to pass it around.
[00:11:35] And then finally that fourth experience of just feeling really scared, really low energy, like there's nothing you can do to help your kiddo. We hold those kids as just being in a place of deep discouragement, deep, deep discouragement. Okay, so we're gathering some information based on how we feel. In response to the behavior.
[00:12:02] The second step is to look at what your typical reaction is. So this is going to really solidify what it is that our kiddo needs. Right. What is your typical reaction? Do you find yourself doing a lot of reminding, coaxing, nagging? Is that something that you're doing A lot of? That falls in line with that seeking connection behavior.
[00:12:24] Right. Are you responding with a fight? Right? Oh, no, you won't. You will do what I say. I'm gonna get big and loud till you submit. Right? Or the flip side of that is like, fine, do whatever you want. Right? Are you fighting or giving in? Again, that couples with that experience of feeling challenged. I. We can guess even more so that what's happening for our teen is there's a lack of perceived power control, right?
[00:12:56] Reaction. Are you taking it personally? Are you feeling hurt by their behavior again? Then we're making that guess again, our teen, there's something going on in their life that is deeply painful for them, and so that's where we get to get curious or finally. Finally, are you in that place, that really tough, scared place where you're finding yourself giving up on your kiddo, or perhaps doing way too much for them because you don't have faith that they can do it for themselves?
[00:13:28] 'cause they're in that deep discouragement, right? So looking at our emotional experience and then our typical reaction is gonna help us understand better where our kids are coming from. Notice the patterns and what the pattern that we're in the dance. I like to say that we're in what it invites from our teens, and it's important to say that we all fall into patterns and then we feel a certain way about how things are always playing out with our kids.
[00:14:02] Well, if that's your story, right, if that's your story, then it's time to interrupt how we are responding. This is where something new and different can occur. Challenge, the behavior shows up. We have our emotional experience, right? We're in our emotional experience. We get to become aware, huh? Here's how I'm feeling right now.
[00:14:29] Really challenged, or, damn that hurt. I'm noticing I'm taking this really personally, or man, this is annoying. Here they are again. We get to notice our emotional experience, grow in our awareness. Take a pause, right? Our feelings, our experiences, they're real and valid so we can acknowledge them. Of course, we feel that way.
[00:14:54] It's hard to parent teens, and at that point we get to decide what is it that we want most. Right. We get to interrupt the pattern that we've been in by asking ourselves, well, what is it that I want most? Right? And I'm guessing most of you don't wanna keep up the same cycle that you're in with your kiddo, right?
[00:15:17] You want something different. So it is before this reaction, this typical reaction, where we get to interrupt and choose something different. And what do we do right? What do we do? Well, before I go into the next two steps, I wanna talk about something really powerful that I got to participate in, um, in a recent training.
[00:15:40] And that was an activity where the facilitator invited us to close her eyes and imagine our 80th birthday. And to think about our loved ones would show up for us for our 80th birthday. And think about what it is, and you can bring to mind your teen. If you have more than one who's the challenge right now?
[00:16:03] Think about that teen. Imagine them showing up to your 80th birthday and talking about how you showed up for them during this time of their life. When I was 18, my dad, right? I remember you always bringing compassion, creativity, love. Right? You know, whatever it is that you want to create. Whatever it is that you want to be the theme of this time, regardless of how your kiddos are showing up.
[00:16:35] So really spend some time thinking about that. Who do you wanna be for them, right? Who do you wanna be for them? And I don't mean like who do you wanna be for them When everything's going great, who do you wanna be for them as they struggle to make their way through this tricky slippery time of life?
[00:16:54] Think about that. And then. Use that as your compass, right? Use that to bring you into what it means to show up for them, right? So we're gonna interrupt that reactive pattern and what we're gonna do instead, this is step three, is own your part of the dynamic. Pull the curtain back, listen to get more clear, right?
[00:17:21] So that could sound like. You know, I notice that we fall into this dynamic and we get into this dance, and I'm curious if you notice it too. What's your experience of it? Of me, right? How are you experiencing me and this, I've said this before on the podcast, but this takes a lot of courage, right? Because they're gonna tell you, they're gonna tell you how they experience you, and you get to receive.
[00:17:49] You don't need to be defensive or judgmental. Please don't. You just get to receive. Then you get to ask, what do you wish that I understood about you? What do you wish that I understood about you and about what you're going through right now? Your only job after you ask this question is to listen. Listen to understand.
[00:18:13] Receive their experience. If you need to ask questions, if you're confused or you want more information. Okay, tell me more about that. Right? Tell me more about that. And once you've exhausted them and they've, they're finished, right? And for some kids it'll be quicker than others. You get to say, you know, I notice in this dynamic I'm feeling however you're feeling.
[00:18:44] You get to share your experience too, and then you get to move into how might we handle this better? What can we do when this challenge comes up so that we're both feeling more connected and more seen and heard, and you get to brainstorm with them. And I understand, you know, this is a big ask, especially for those kiddos that.
[00:19:07] Don't trust that the space is safe for them to bring their ideas or to share their experience. Right. It might take a few goes and you can let them know. When I understand that, it might feel hard to talk to me about this because in the past I've been critical. I haven't been a great listener. I'm really working on that.
[00:19:27] So I'm gonna come back to you tomorrow and maybe we can talk about it then, and you get to just keep showing up consistently and reliably. Right. How might we handle this better? When we get to this question? What are some tools that might be supportive in the challenges that we're facing with our kiddos?
[00:19:46] Right? Things like creating routines, coming up with co-created agreements or plans. How might we handle this better? It might be an invitation to back off or to let go, but also scheduling a regular time to check in. So once you do come up with something. Let's work on that this week and next Monday night.
[00:20:10] Let's sit down again. And I just wanna reflect on how our week goes, how we do with this new plan, new way of being with each other, right? Normalize that check-in. Normalize the humanness of this is work. And sometimes we're gonna be good at it and sometimes we're not. And patterns are hard to break and we're all moving forward.
[00:20:34] Scheduling that regular time to check in. How did it go this week? What did you notice? What was useful? What wasn't useful? Here's what I noticed.
[00:20:48] Helping them also to be reflective, right? To get out of the blame. My parent, my mom, my dad is such a drag or so lame, or so strict and moving to a different conversation is which is what? Did you notice what was helpful in making it home for curfew this week? I noticed you were late on Friday. What got in the way, right?
[00:21:11] What helped you stay up with your assignments this week? What got in the way, right? What made it easier to get up in the mornings and get up to school on time? What might you do differently this week? Right? We wanna check in and connect with them about what's useful. So the other piece here is to really notice yourself.
[00:21:31] So I have a client, I. I was on the phone with, on a call with, and we were talking, she was really worried about her son's lack of summer plans, right? Her 15-year-old didn't, he wasn't going to camp. He didn't have a job. She just was like, I don't know what he's gonna do with himself. And so, you know, we've been talking about what he needs to be doing, what he should be doing, what we're expecting.
[00:21:52] And I invited her to shift. Into asking him what his vision of the summer was, what did he want his summer to look like? What were his plans? How did he imagine spending time with his friends, right? And holding space for him to consider the long days of summer. And then from that place, bring in, you know, your dad.
[00:22:17] And I think it's important for you to have a summer job, and what might that look like and how can we support you in. You know, doing what you need to explore, that we get to validate. That sounds really fun. I would love a summer like that. I Ms. Summers like that, right? And how can we kind of help them tie in the things that we expect, but starting with what is their vision?
[00:22:47] When our kids don't talk to us, I wanna remind you of this. Remember when a teen feels like they'll be misunderstood, judged, or dismissed, they don't believe it is safe to open up. It's gonna take a while for them to trust that we can hold the space they need. So for this client, it's important for her to say, you know what?
[00:23:06] I realize that I have been coming on really strong around what I think you should be doing. I'm learning that it might be more useful instead to hear what your vision is. Right. We might also say, I know in the past I've been really critical and judgmental and I'm really working to drop that 'cause it's not useful, right?
[00:23:27] It's not useful. That's not what I want our relationship to look like, so I'm really working on that. So we're letting them know that we are aware of what's getting in the way of relationship and that we're working to do something about it. We're continuing to invite them in, right? Remembering while we use words to express ourselves.
[00:23:47] It is our actions that really tell the story of who we are and what we think. So being more conscious in our actions, right, is really where we speak into the work we are doing and let our teens know that we're committed to showing up differently. And the fourth step, offer up encouragement and the message of love.
[00:24:08] That sounds like I know you're capable. I trust that you're gonna learn from this. I've got your back. I'm so glad to be your mom. I'm so glad to be your dad. I love you no matter what. Encouragement is the bomb. You guys. Encouragement? Is it? Encouragement is what really sends the message of what we believe about our teens to our teens.
[00:24:32] You've heard me talk about it before. It matters. We have to say it out loud and we have to use evidence. We have to remind our kids of their past success and name the life skills that they flexed to get through what they've already been through. This is the gift of adversity and struggles. This is the gift.
[00:24:55] We collect our experiences, and we keep them in our back pocket for reference and to remember that we made it through. We can do hard things. We know that because we have already done hard things. Our teens, our kids, they want to know that we care. They wanna know that we have their back. They want that.
[00:25:16] We see them right when they believe that they are much more likely to let us in. They feel safer about being vulnerable and open to us. Now, I wanna say caveat. If you are trying these things out and you're not seeing immediate results, which results being more openness and a growing relationship? Take a deeper look at yourself.
[00:25:41] Are you being honest? Are you still holding an agenda? Have you been walking your talk? Is there more to own? Right? Start with taking a look at you. And if you're doing all these things over and over and over and things still aren't shifting, it might be time to get some outside help. No shame in that game.
[00:26:00] Find a coach, find a therapist. Get some external perspective so that you can shift the climate and the dynamic that you're in with your teen so that they know that relationship is a place where they can feel held and attuned to. Right. That's it. That's the main thing that they need, right? I believe in you, my listener.
[00:26:24] And practice makes better. Practice makes better. So again, those four steps. Four steps for being the support that your team needs right now. Starting off collecting, you know, getting clearer about what you already know, how is their behavior making you feel? What is your typical reaction, right? So you're gonna gather that information.
[00:26:45] Step three, owning your part with your team, pulling back the curtain, listening to get more clarity about their experience, coming up with a plan. And number four, offering up encouragement and the message of love. That's what I've got for you today. That is what I've got for you today. I hope that you found that useful.
[00:27:06] I would love to hear from you. If you have questions or you're curious about different parts of this, reach out. You can always email [email protected]. Jump into the Facebook group, jump into my social media direct messages, reach out, let me know what you're wondering, what you're left with, what your questions still are.
[00:27:29] Because I am here for you. I'm here for you. I love supporting my listeners, so reach out. I will be back on Monday with a fresh interview. So stay tuned. Have a beautiful weekend and yeah, see you around. Bye.
[00:27:53] Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to my Sprout partners, Julietta and Alana. Thank you Danielle, for supporting with the show notes as well as Chris Mann and the team at Pods Shaper for all the support with getting the show out there and making it sound good. As I mentioned, sharing is caring. If you're willing to pass on this episode to others or take a few minutes to rate and review the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it helps other parents find this useful content.
[00:28:21] Be sure to check out what we have going on for parents. Of kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay [email protected]. I see you doing all the things. I believe in you. See you next time.