Eps 388: Solo Show – 4 steps for being the support your teen needs

Episode 388

This week’s solo shows explores the iceberg and the belief behind our teens behavior in a new way. We have been here before and I am bringing you back to get ever better and teasing apart what it is your teen needs, and how you a can meet them there.

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Takeaways from the show


– Checking in on our own emotional experience to make sense of what is happening for our teens
– Interrupting our patterns
– Keeping in mind what might be going on when our kids don’t talk to us
– Powerful encouragement
– Taking a deeper look when things don’t improve

Other shows that highlight these concepts:

Belief Behind Behavior Playlist on Spotify
Eps 177: Casey is solo talking about how we influence the iceberg
Eps 129: Solo Show – Using the Iceberg Metaphor to Understand Behavior

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behavior, kiddo, teens, feeling, talk, experience, kids, challenged, patterns, steps, relationship, work, notice, iceberg, important, life, support, listen, moving, open
Casey O'Roarty

Casey O'Roarty 00:04
Hello, Welcome back. Welcome to the joyful courage podcast, a place for inspiration and transformation as we work to keep it together. While parenting our tweens and teens. This is real work people. And when we can focus on our own growth and nurturing the connection with our kids, we can move through the turbulence in a way that allows for relationships to remain intact. My name is Casey already, I am your fearless host. I'm a positive discipline trainer, space holder coach and the adolescent lead. It's routable. Also mama to a 20 year old daughter and a 17 year old son, I am walking right beside you on the path of raising our kids with positive discipline and conscious parenting. This show is meant to be a resource to you and I work really hard to keep it really real, transparent and authentic so that you feel seen and supported. Today is a solo show and I'm confident that what I share will be useful to you. Please don't forget sharing truly is caring. If you love today's show, please please pass the link around snap the screenshot posted on your socials or texted to your friends. Together, we can make an even bigger impact on families around the globe. If you're feeling extra special, you can rate and review us over in Apple podcasts. I'm so glad that you're here. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. Enjoy the show.

Casey O'Roarty 01:30
Another Thursday together so happy about this. Yeah, and guess what I'm taking a break from the personal growth talk. And we're going to talk specifically about our teens today. And I am going to move through four steps for being the support that your teen means. I hear it from parents all the time. They say I don't know what's going on with my kiddo and they won't talk to me. How hard is that? Right? Like, we know there's something going on and they won't let us in. It's so challenging. And, you know, temperamentally, I just want to remind everybody that temperamentally there are kids that are more open, and outwardly expressive than others, right? Add to that, that when a teen feels like they'll be misunderstood, judged, dismissed, they don't believe that it's safe to open up. So when you have a kiddo that isn't super externally expressive, right, and they don't feel safe in the space to be transparent and vulnerable and open up, you know, what you've got, there isn't necessarily a behaviour problem. What you have is a relationship problem. And I think it's important to remember, we're just gonna dive right into this. Okay, we're gonna dive right into this. I think it's important to remember that our teenagers have been observing us their whole life. I've said this before on the pod, they have been listening to our words, but even more important, they've been watching our actions, right? They've been hearing our words, but what's really holding weight is the actions that they've observed us in using throughout the course of their life, right? They see our patterns, they know us, they have our numbers, and they have made judgments about what we can handle and what they're better off keeping to themselves. They have decided what is safe to bring to us and what is not safe, right? They have decided how much grief, criticism judgement they're willing to hold. And, you know, if sharing with us and letting us into their life, if they believe that what they're doing or what they're moving through isn't something that we're going to acknowledge or validate. They're not going to share it with us. Right? They're gonna be better off trying to figure it out on their own. I have talked at length on this podcast about the iceberg metaphor, right? I'm gonna talk about it again, because it's important and amazing, and I believe that we can't hear it enough. The iceberg metaphor, the belief behind behaviour, also known as the mistaken goals of behaviour, I have a whole playlist, dissecting the beliefs behind the behaviour and I'll put the link in the show notes so you can check it out on Spotify. I've talked a lot about this under the surface of the iceberg. It is so important to go there because behaviour makes sense to the person that's engaging in it, right? Or another way we put that is often the behaviour we see It is a solution to a problem that we don't know about. Right. So understanding and keeping in mind, the iceberg becomes really useful when we're not sure what's going on with our kids, or we're feeling stuck or stomped around their behaviour, what's going on under the surface. So today's show is going to borrow generously from those conversations and bring you back to the practice of keeping it real and transparent with your teenagers. This is what they're looking for. This is what they want from us. They want to be heard, they want to be listened to, they want to be in relationship with you, but they're finding it hard, right? They're protecting themselves from criticism and judgement. And so they're building up this wall, I've got four steps today that we're going to play around with, to support you in supporting them, right, want to support you and supporting them. And part of that is cracking open relationship, and creating space for relationship. And the other piece is around being curious about your own patterns and your own emotions around what's going on with your kiddos. And that's where we're going to start. Right we're going to start with the information that you have what is going on with you. So the first step is to recognise and start to really tune into how their behaviour is making you feel, how their behaviour is making you feel. And we are all frustrated. Right, like frustrated, absolutely. is an experience that we have while raising teenagers. But frustration is just at the surface of the emotional experience that we're having with our kiddos. Right. It's so frustrating. Yes, but we need to go deeper into what we're actually feeling emotionally when we're engaged with our team. So is what you're moving through right now leaving you feeling like Is it annoying? Is it irritating? Kind of like when I talk about this as it's like a pesky fly like it's not supercharged, right? You're not looking for a fight. You're not super low energy. It's just more of like a here we go again, right? Or is the behaviour is it leaving you feeling challenged? Like hey, listen, buddy. Oh, no, you won't? Or oh, yes, you will. Write to me. That's like those hackles raised. Right and you are ready to fight. You are ready to show them you are the adult, you know, you will do what I say? Or is the behaviour leaving you feeling defeated and hurt? Like, ah, like a punch to the gut? Like you can't believe this is happening? How could they? This is often where we start to really lean into maybe some disbelief or disgust. What's the emotion you're feeling based on the behaviour that your kiddo is engaging with? Are you feeling really scared? And the kind of scared that's like low energy? Right, futile, just wrung dry, you've got nothing left, you just don't see a way out. So yeah, that first step in collecting the information you have and distilling it down into something that's useful, is really pinpointing the emotional experience that you're having. Based on your kiddos, behaviour. Our feelings and experiences of our teens behaviour gives us some insight into what's going on with them. As anybody who's listened to the belief buying behaviour playlist knows, we can make some guesses about what their need is based on how their behaviour makes us feel. Right? So if you're feeling that annoyance or that irritation, chances are what's happening for your kiddo is they're seeking connection. They're feeling disconnected, and they're wanting to reconnect with you. They don't say Hey, can we reconnect? They do things that are annoying and irritating? And we get to say, Huh, I'm wondering if you're trying to get my attention here. And there's nothing wrong with trying to get our attention, right, but trying to get our attention is the cheap alternative to really feeling connected, right? That's ultimately what they want. If you're feeling challenged, we can guess that what your kiddo is experiencing is a lack of power or control over their life. So they're going to take it where they can get it. If you're feeling really defeated, or disgusted or taking it personally, right chances are there's something going on in your teens life that hurts them they are hurting, right and it's really hard to hold hurt so we tend to pass Sit around.

Casey O'Roarty 10:08
And then finally, that fourth experience of just feeling really scared, really low energy, like, there's nothing you can do to help your kiddo. We hold those kids as just being in a place of deep discouragement, deep, deep discouragement. Okay, so we're gathering some information based on how we feel in response to the behaviour. The second step is to look at what your typical reaction is. So this is going to really solidify what it is that our kiddo needs. Right? What is your typical reaction? Do you find yourself doing a lot of reminding, coaxing nagging? Is that something that you're doing a lot of? That falls in line with that seeking connection? behaviour? Right? Are you responding with a fight? Right? Oh, no, you won't, you will do what I say I'm gonna get big and loud. Till you submit, right? Or the flip side of that is like, Fine, do whatever you want. Right? Are you fighting or giving in, again, that couples with that experience of feeling challenged? And we can guess, even more so that what's happening for our teen is there's a lack of perceived power control, right? Reaction? Are you taking it personally? Are you feeling hurt by their behaviour? Again, then we're making that guests again, our teen, there's something going on in their life that is deeply painful for them. And so that's where we get to get curious. Or finally, finally, are you in that place that really tough scared plays, where you're finding yourself giving up on your kiddo? Or perhaps doing way too much for them? Because you don't have faith that they can do it for themselves? Because they're in that deep discouragement? Right? So looking at our emotional experience, and then our typical reaction is going to help us understand better where our kids are coming from. Notice the patterns. And what the pattern that we're in the dance, I like to say that we're in what it invites from our teens. And it's important to say that we all fall into patterns. And then we feel a certain way about how things are always playing out with our kids. Well, if that's your story, right, if that's your story, then it's time to interrupt how we are responding. This is where something new and different can occur. Challenge the behaviour shows up, we have our emotional experience. Right? We're in our emotional experience, we get to become aware, hmm, here's how I'm feeling right now. really challenged or Damn, that hurt. I'm noticing I'm taking this really personally, or man is annoying. Here they are, again, we get to notice our emotional experience, grow in our awareness, take a pause, write our feelings are experiences, they're real and valid. So we can acknowledge them. Of course, we feel that way. It's hard to parent teens. And at that point, we get to decide what is it that we want most? Right, we get to interrupt the pattern that we've been in, by asking ourselves, Well, what is it that I want most? Right? And I'm guessing most of you don't want to keep up the same cycle that you're in with your kiddo. Right? You want something different? So it is before this reaction, this typical reaction where we get to interrupt and choose something different. And what do we do? Right? What do we do? Well, before I go into the next two steps, I want to talk about something really powerful that I got to participate in, in a recent training. And that was an activity where the facilitator invited us to close your eyes and imagine our 80th birthday. And to think about our loved ones would show up for us for our 80th birthday. And think about what it is and you can bring to mind your team. If you have more than one who's the challenge right now think about that team. Imagine them showing up to your 80th birthday and talking about how you showed up for them during this time of their life. When I was 18 my dad right I remember you always bringing a passion, creativity, love, right you know, whatever it is that you want to create it, whatever it is that you want to be the theme of this time, regardless of how your kiddos are showing up. So really spend some time thinking about that, who do you want to be for them? Right? Who do you want to be for them? And I don't mean like, Who do you want to be for them? When everything's going great? Who do you want to be for them? As they struggle to make their way through this tricky, slippery time of life? Think about that. And then use that as your compass. Right? Use that, to bring you into what it means to show up for them. Right, so we're going to interrupt that reactive pattern. And what we're going to do instead, this is step three is own your part of the dynamic pull the curtain back, listen to get more clear. Right? So that could sound like, you know, I noticed that we fall into this dynamic. And we get into this dance. I'm curious if you notice it to what's your experience of it? Of me? Right? How are you experiencing me and this, I've said this before on the podcast, but this takes a lot of courage, right? Because they're going to tell you, they're going to tell you how they experience you, and you get to receive you no need to be defensive or judgmental. Please don't you just get to receive, then you get to ask what you wish that I understood about you. But he wished that I understood about you and about what you're going through right now. Your only job after you ask this question is to listen, listen to understand, receive their experience. Right? If you need to ask questions, if you're confused, or you want more information, okay, tell me more about that. Right? Tell me more about that. And once you've exhausted them, and they've, they're finished, right. And for some kids that will be quicker than others. You get to say, you know, I notice in this dynamic I'm feeling however you're feeling right, you get to share your experience, too. And then you get to move into how might we handle this better? Right? What can we do when this challenge comes up, so that we're both feeling more connected, and more seen and heard. And you get to brainstorm with them. And I understand, you know, this is a big ask, especially for those kiddos that don't trust that the space is safe for them to bring their ideas or to share their experience. Right, it might take a few goes. And you can let them know when I understand that it might feel hard to talk to me about this. Because in the past, I've been critical. I haven't been a great listener. I'm really working on that. So I'm going to come back to you tomorrow. And maybe we can talk about it then. And you get to just keep showing up consistently and reliably. Right? How might we handle this better when we get to this question, what are some tools that might be supportive in the challenges that we're facing with our kiddos? Right things like creating routines coming up with CO created agreements or plans? How might we handle this better it might be an invitation to back off or to let go but also scheduling a regular time to check in. So once you do come up with something Yeah, let's work on that this week. And next Monday night. Let's sit down again and I just want to reflect on how our week goes how we do with this new plan new way of being with each other. Right normalise that check in normalise the humaneness of this is work and sometimes we're going to be good at it and sometimes we're not and patterns are hard to break and we're all moving forward right scheduling that regular time to check in how did it go this week? What did you notice what was useful? What wasn't useful? Here's what I noticed

Casey O'Roarty 19:20
helping them also to be reflective right to get out of the blame my parents my prom my dad is such a drag are so lame are so strict. And moving to a different conversation is which is what did you notice what was helpful in making it home for curfew this week? I noticed you were late on Friday. What got in the way. Right. What helped you stay up with your assignments this week? What got in the way? Right? What made it easier to get up in the mornings and get up to school on time? What might you do differently this week, right? We want to check in and connect with them about what's useful. So Oh, the other piece here is to really notice yourself. So I have a client, I was on the phone with on a call with and we were talking, she was really worried about her son's lack of summer plans, right? Or 15 year old evens, he wasn't going to camp, he didn't have a job. She just was like, I don't know what he's going to do with himself. And so, you know, we've been talking about what he needs to be doing what he should be doing, what we're expecting. And I invited her to shift into asking him what his vision of the summer was, what did he want his summer to look like? What were his plans? How did he imagine spending time with his friends? Right and holding space for him to consider the long days of summer? And then from that place, bring in, you know, your dad, and I think it's important for you to have a summer job? And what might that look like? And how can we support you in, you know, doing what you need to explore that? We get to validate that sounds really fun. I would love a summer like that I miss summers like that. Right? And how can we kind of help them tie in the things that we expect, but starting with? What is their vision? Right? When our kids don't talk to us, I want to remind you of this. Remember, when a teen feels like they'll be misunderstood, judged or dismissed, they don't believe it is safe to open up, it's going to take a while for them to trust that we can hold the space they need. So for this client, it's important for her to say you know what I realise that I have been coming on really strong around what I think you should be doing. And I'm learning that it might be more useful instead, to hear what your vision is. Right? We might also say, I know, in the past, I've been really critical and judgmental. And I'm really working to drop that because it's not useful. Right? It's not useful. And that's not what I want our relationship to look like. So I'm really working on that. So we're letting them know that we are aware of what's getting in the way of relationship and that we're working to do something about it. And we're continuing to invite them in. Right remembering while we use words to express ourselves, it is our actions that really tell the story of who we are and what we think. So being more conscious and our actions, right is really where we speak into the work we are doing and let our teens know that we're committed to showing up differently. And the fourth step, offer up encouragement, and the message of love. That sounds like no, you're capable. I trust that you're going to learn from this. I've got your back. So glad to be your mom, I'm so glad to be your dad, I love you no matter what encouragement is the bomb you guys encouragement is it encouragement is what really sends the message of what we believe about our teens to our teens, you've heard me talk about it before it matters, we have to say it out loud. And we have to use evidence, right, we have to remind our kids of their past success and name the life skills that they flexed to get through what they've already been through. This is the gift of adversity, and struggles. Right? This is the gift, we collect our experiences and we keep them in our back pocket for reference. And to remember that we made it through, we can do hard things. We know that because we have already done hard things. Our teens, our kids, they want to know that we care. They want to know that we have their back, they want that we see them. Right? When they believe that they are much more likely to let us in. They feel safer, about being vulnerable, and open to us. Now I want to say caveat, if you are trying these things out, and you're not seeing immediate results, which results being more openness and a growing relationship, take a deeper look at your self. Are you being honest? Are you still holding an agenda? Have you been walking your talk? Is there more to own? Right? Start with taking a look at you. And if you're doing all these things over and over and over and things still aren't shifting, it might be time to get some outside help. No shame in that game. Find a coach, find a therapist get some external perspective, so that you can shift the climate and the dynamic that you're in with your teen so that they know that relationship is a place where they can feel held and attuned to. Right. Because that's it. That's the main thing that they need. Right? I believe in you, my listener, and practice makes better. Practice makes better. So Again, those four steps, four steps for being the support that your team needs right now. Starting off collecting, you know, getting clear about what you already know, how is their behaviour making you feel? What is your typical reaction? Right? So you're gonna gather that information. Step three, owning your part with your team pulling back the curtain, listening to get more clarity about their experience, coming up with a plan. And number four, offering up encouragement and the message of love. That's what I got for you today. That is what I've got for you today. I hope that you found that useful. I would love to hear from you. If you have questions or you're curious about different parts of this. Reach out, you can always email me at Casey at joyful courage.com Jump into the Facebook group jump into my social media, direct messages. Reach out, let me know what you're wondering what you're left with what your questions still are. Because I am here for you. I'm here for you. I love supporting my listeners. So reach out. I will be back on Monday with a fresh interview. So stay tuned. Have a beautiful weekend. And yeah, see you around. Bye

Casey O'Roarty 26:27
Thank you so much for listening in today. Thank you so much to my spreadable partners, Julieta and Alana as well as Danielle and Chris Mann and the team at pod shaper for all the support with getting this show out there and helping it to sound so good. Check out our offers for parents with kids of all ages and sign up for our newsletter to stay better connected at B sprout double.com. Tune back in on Monday for a brand new interview and I will be back solo with you next Thursday. Have a great day.

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