Shielding Your Children: Navigating High-Conflict Co-Parenting

Parenting is full of surprises—some that make your heart swell, others that test your patience in ways you never imagined. Co-parenting with a high-conflict ex can amplify those challenges, turning everyday situations into hurdles that feel overwhelming. The tension, disagreements, and constant back-and-forth can drain you.
Yet, through it all, one thing remains clear: your top priority is protecting your kids and creating a safe, nurturing environment where they can thrive. But how do you do that when the conflict never seems to end?
Co-parenting with a high conflict individual has a way of pulling you into a relentless cycle of negativity. It seeps into every corner of your life—consuming hours of “problem-solving,” driving endless research, and even shaping the conversations you have with friends. Let’s not forget the imaginary conversations you have throughout the day as you ruminate on potential comebacks or responses to their accusatory messages. Before you know it, it’s dominating your thoughts.
Your kids may not grasp every detail, but they sense the tension. That stress can leave them feeling anxious, confused, or even blaming themselves. They notice when you’re distracted—often because your mind is stuck on the latest email or accusation from your co-parent. It’s a heavy burden for everyone involved.
Here’s the truth: You can’t control what your co-parent says or does. You can’t force them to act in a way you believe is best for your kids. What you can control is your response, your mindset, and your peace.
When you stop trying to control things that are out of your hands—like your co-parent’s behavior—you reclaim your energy. You stop being consumed by the drama, and you start creating a home where your kids feel safe, loved, and supported.
Here’s how you can do that.
1. Let Them Be Who They Are—And Focus on Yourself
Co-parents with high-conflict tendencies thrive on control and drama. They may provoke you with accusations, false narratives, or unreasonable demands. But here’s a liberating mindset shift:
- Let them send that angry text.
- Let them twist the story.
- Let them make false accusations.
You don’t need to engage in every conflict. You don’t need to defend yourself against every accusation. You don’t need to convince anyone of your side of the story.
Ask yourself:
- What am I trying to control that’s outside of my control?
When you stop taking the bait, you stop fueling the conflict. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can focus on what matters most.
2. Create a Safe Haven for Your Kids
You can’t control what happens at the other parent’s house, but you can make your home a place of peace and stability. Your kids don’t need perfection—they need predictability, calm, and emotional safety.
Here’s how:
- Stick to Routines: Kids thrive on predictability. Regular meals, bedtime rituals, and family traditions help them feel secure.
- Be a Safe Space: When your kids share difficult things about their other parent, stay calm. Instead of reacting or defending yourself, respond with questions like:
- “What do you think about that?”
- “Do you have any questions for me?”
This gives your kids the space to process their thoughts and feelings without feeling caught in the middle.
- Avoid Negative Talk: Keep your comments about the other parent neutral. Negative remarks can create a loyalty bind for your kids, making them feel torn between parents or that loving one is betraying the other—a burden they shouldn’t have to carry.
Most importantly, focus on what you can control—the emotional atmosphere in your home. Create a space where your kids feel safe to express themselves, make mistakes, and learn about healthy relationships.
3. Empower Your Kids with Skills to Protect Their Peace
While you can’t shield your kids from every difficult situation, you can equip them with tools to navigate conflict in healthy ways.
Here’s how to help them recognize safe people, set boundaries, and manage difficult emotions:
- Teach Them to Identify Safe People: Instead of pointing out your co-parent’s unhealthy behavior, focus on teaching your kids what healthy behavior looks like.
- “Safe people respect your feelings, even when they’re upset.”
- “Safe people don’t make you responsible for their emotions.”
- “Safe people don’t talk badly about others behind their backs.”
By focusing on positive behaviors, you’re empowering your kids to recognize unhealthy actions without making it about one specific person.
- Encourage Boundaries: Teach your kids that it’s okay to protect their own peace.
- “You don’t have to agree with everything someone says to respect them.”
- “It’s okay to say, ‘I need time to think before I respond.’”
Boundaries give kids a sense of control over their interactions, which helps them feel more secure.
- Foster Emotional Expression: Let your kids know that feeling emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion is normal. Offer healthy ways to process those feelings, like journaling, talking, taking a walk, or large body movements (swinging, jumping, running).
- Teach Critical Thinking: Instead of telling your kids what to believe, encourage them to think for themselves. Ask open-ended questions like:
- “When you hear different stories from different people, how do you decide what feels true for you?”
- “What do you think is most important in a healthy relationship?”
By teaching your kids to think critically, you’re empowering them to navigate conflict on their own terms. These skills will serve them for a lifetime.
4. Let Go of the Need to “Win”
When you engage in tug-of-war with your high conflict co-parent, there is no winner. Think of it like this: The rope represents control — control over the narrative, control over the relationship, control over how you’re perceived. But the reality is: as long as you’re holding that rope, you’re stuck in the conflict. The harder they pull, the harder you feel you need to pull back to defend yourself or your position.
Now imagine this:
What happens if you simply drop the rope?
Instead of engaging in tug-of-war power struggles, ask yourself:
- Am I more focused on “winning” the argument than protecting my peace?
- What can I let go of today to protect my energy?
When you stop needing to win, you reclaim your freedom. You stop being pulled into every fight, and you start focusing on what really matters: showing up for your kids with love and consistency and modeling healthy boundaries.
Moving Forward: Focus on What You Can Control
Breaking the cycle of negativity isn’t easy. There will be bumps along the way. But every time you choose to release control over what others do and focus on your own peace, you’re creating a healthier environment for your kids.
You don’t have to respond to every accusation.
You don’t have to prove your side of the story.
You don’t have to control how others see you.
What you can do is show up as the safe parent you are- with intention, resilience, and love.
Your kids are watching how you handle difficult times, and through your example, they’re learning how to navigate challenges with courage, compassion, and self-respect.
Nika Chadwick is a certified High-Conflict Divorce Coach with specialized training in co-parenting support, and stepfamily dynamics. As a trauma-informed coach, she understands the complexities of high-conflict relationships and works to help parents protect their peace while fostering their children’s emotional well-being. Drawing on her certifications, personal experience, and a toolkit of practical, proven strategies, Nika empowers clients to break free from destructive conflict cycles, set healthy boundaries, and create a stable, supportive environment for their families. Her approach is grounded in empathy, evidence-based methods, and a deep commitment to helping families thrive despite challenges.
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